December 1

Well here it is, Dec1,2010. Where does time go? How can it possibly be that I have not talked to my Son in almost a year? I have not hugged him & told him I love you in almost a year. Thankfully we always hugged & said those 3 words, most importantly meant them! My heart is breaking, it's been a yo~yo of emotions all year , but these last few days have been so up & down. Though I try to stop it's like my heart is on a countdown. This time last year, this week last year and so on.
I talked to a Mother today that lost her Son 14 yrs ago. I remember when he died. I ask her when do do feel normal again? She told me, you don't it never goes away. So I guess it's something you learn to live with. How? I don't know. I guess day by day, just as we have managed for the last year.
When you look around you see there are many people walking around with their hearts hurting for one reason or another. So sad actually. We have much to be Thankful for. I know I do. But where is the happiness? I look forward to the day when I can be happy. I have a great husband, wonderful girls, totally awesome Grandchildren and a good family. But when will the cloud leave?

Tick~Tock

Tic toc, tic toc, there is the timer going on in my head & my heart. Here it is Nov 27, 2010. The saturday after Thanksgiving. Last year on this Saturday we were all happy. By now we were finished with Britt and Meguell's wedding shower. We were all so happy though Cassey wasn't with us they had a really great shower. And to top it off Shane & Brian dressed up as girls totally down to the pink toe nails, dresses, boobs the whole thing and busted in on the shower. We all loved it! Shane was at such a happy time in his life at this point. Happier than he had been in quite a while. Little did we know that the clock was running. That in less than a week our happiness was to be shattered. Tic toc, tic toc.....

Everything in this last year has been compared to the year before. When Shane was with us. So much has changed, we have all changed and I honestly don't know if we will ever be the same again. So much since that hellish night has gone on. Brittany got married, Noah was born, Brittany graduated from college. Shane's children have grown so much, somehow among all of this we have continued to go on. Though at times it seemed impossible. I remember the feeling of wondering how everyones lives continue to go on when ours had crumbled around us. I have been to more funerals in the past 12mths than I have my entire life! Mrs Molly so sweet & kind, such an example of what a true Christian is went to Heaven with her family about 2 wks ago. Then Elisha who sat right behind me, we chit chatted as we did at the Yamboree, she died last week so strange that 2 wks after Molly passed that Im sitting in the same pew at the same funeral home saying goodbye to Elisha. We all went to church together . Our kids grew up together for many years. And Cindy & Larry are going through the same thing. She also has 3 children who will have to learn to live without their parent. I remember last year thinking how can it be that last week we were at Britt's shower and this week Shane is DEAD? Last week we were having so much fun and SO MUCH LAUGHTER and this week SO MANY TEARS? Last week were were laughing and joking this week we are picking out Shane's casket??? This is not right. None of it is. I'm not right in so many ways and wonder, will I ever be?

Tic toc, the time is fast approaching to the 1 year anniversary and I cannot stand this feeling I have inside, like I'm about to explode! I can't stand it. So I turn in to myself so maybe it will pass. They always say the first year is the hardest because its the year were every thing you do, you do without your loved one. On one hand I cannot believe a year has already passed, on the other I'm angry cause it has passed so fast! I can't wait for the month of December to pass. Hurry hurry tic toc, tic toc...........

Thursday How I Hate You








Well here it is another Thursday Night. I'm watching Grey's Anatomy & fixing to watch Private Practice. I'm sweeping mopping all those not so fun things, the same thing I was doing last year on Dec 3, 2009 when life as I knew it was turned upside down. This has been the absolute worst year in my life. At this time it is easier, but no.... it's not. I feel at times like everything is spiraling. Ashtyn's hand was hurting from burning it last weekend & he was crying then said "I wish my Daddy was here cause he always put bandaids on my boo~boo's" all I could say was I know he would. You want me to put one on it? This is not fair! Where is the sense in all of it? But don't get me wrong here because children are so strong. They do miss him, so much but on the flip side they're growing & happy. Ashtyn has his moments but all in all they are adjusting pretty well, I think I mean what the hell do I know? I didn't ask for this anymore than his 3 kids did. I never know what Chloe' is thinking cause she doesn't like to talk about him, but I do know that when she comes over she is SO happy to be with us.She's glad to see the little ones & they are so glad to see her. Addi was looking at our pictures on the fridge, I thought she was gonna say something about her Daddy but this time it was Chloe' she told me " I wish my Sissy was here".


So anyway the 1 year anniversary is coming up and I can tell you the first year is pure hell. One minute its kinda ok then the next it's not. You know as we go through life we have family and/or friends that lose a loved one, we are sorry for their loss and when its a family member we feel the pain also but I can tell you until you experience it yourself you have no idea what it's like, you think you do but Im telling you , you don't. I had a friend that lost her daughter years ago in a accident. 6 yrs ago Susie lost Kinsey in a accident, I was one of those that sympathized for their loss, but I did not know the depth of it. I am angry sometimes that this year is almost over. Guilty even that I have survived this year. Everything is marked by this time last year he was here with us and so on. People ask how you doing? You ok? You just tell them yes. Lot's of time it may be true but lots of times it's not, but people don't really want to know that, I know they care but they really dont want to know that sometimes you feel as if your losing control or that your heart screams from the loss of your child, your first born & only Son.


Okay sorry I'm just going on. I really am ok but it's thursday and it's almost a year, it's been a hellish week so I'm just rambling on.


On a happier note, I just love being a Gammy. When Ashtyn looked at me this morning and told me he loved me so, so much it is the best. Or when Addi comes in after waking up & her beautiful hair is everwhere and climbs in my lap, its amazing. Then when Chloe' is here she gives me her bashful hugs and gives me that beautiful smile, I totally love it! Then there is Mr Noah. Sweet Noah who is only 7 1/2 mths but he thinks he's 2! I get to visit him on Skype and when he see's me he smiles just so bright! He is such a happy baby! Cass & Nate are great parents.


And let me not forget Brittany & Meguell, they are just starting out but they are doing great. I am proud of them. They are young but yet so mature. So as hard as things have been & can be, I have so much to truly be thankful for. And I am. And then there is my wonderful Greg. What a wonderful man he is. He has been my strength & my rock. He loves the girls & the grandkids without fault. He is amazing. So see even though I get down, it's like the Lord reminds me that though life is hard I do still have so much to be Thankful for. And I am........

<-- this was Shane last year at Treats on the Square.

This is Shane this year at Treats -->

on the Square.

My Year of Heart Breaking Firsts

Everything that I have done this year has totally broke my heart all over again. I still cannot fathom the idea that he is gone. Everything that I have done it's always on my mind that this time last year Shane was here or Shane was doing this. I have always heard that the first year after you lose someone is the hardest because its a year of first, I believe every year will be hard but it is true the year of first without him, hurts. The time has seem to have flown by. Where has it gone? Where is my Son? I will be taking the kids tonight to Treats on the Square, it will be hard because every other time I have ever gone it was with him. My Moma is even having a hard time cause she has said a couple of times "last year I went with Shane". But I will go cause it's for the kids. They still miss their Daddy. Ashtyn told me a couple of weeks ago, : I wish my Daddy was here" all I could say "was I know, me to". So we carry on this year of first without him. His kids have grown so much since last December. Ashtyn is going to be 5 next week, then Addi will be 4 next month & then Chloe' will be 9 in April and life goes on, for some. I know that life can't stop but it sure makes the ones left behind fell guilty. Guilty because my life has gone forward, though much sadder but it has gone forward even though his hasn't. It doesn't seem fair but I have always said that life is not fair. I just never knew how true that statement was until Dec 3, 2009.

So forgive me for sounding a little down. I am but it will pass for a moment or two. Sometimes I feel like a clown, you know they paint on a smile. I will keep painting it on & I pray that one day it will be the real thing. With the Lord, my wonderful Husband, my girls and our most wonderful Grandkids, all 4 of them & my family this is how I make it through this Hell that we are all trying our best to make it though...we will. Losing Shane has left a whole so big in our hearts but thankfully we have such a good family & extended family members. We have lots of love so we will carry on .......

Well it's getting closer to the one year mark, for some reason that hurts so much. Ashtyn turns 5 on Wed. Nov 3rd. We had a party here for him last year. Shane was here but sad to say I didn't get any pictures of him. Maybe a leg or a hip but not one of him or with Ashtyn. We just never know. I went to visit him today. I go 3 or 4 times a month. I never understood people visiting cemetery's. I do now. I go make sure it's clean throw away any old or faded flowers & my heart breaks all over again. I think this is my life now. I can go on, I can function day to day but the sadness is always there. Lurking and sometimes it spills out when I'm least expecting it! I love my girls & I love my GRANDchildren but I always will live with the fact that I have lost my first born, my only Son. It amazes me how it is easier then on the flip side it is so hard. I had a friend tell me that her friend said that learning to live after losing a child is learning to live with a broken heart everyday. I try to remember to be Thankful for what I do have. I have amazing girls. They are the lights of me. I have a totally wonderful husband, & I have a really great family. And GRANDkids "WOW" so that is what I remind myself of. Remind myself to be Thankful for what I do have but sometimes it's hard not question. I do question but there is no answer.

GRAND*CHILDREN

GRANDCHILDREN

Grandkids are truly GRAND!! You go through life hearing all the sayings about how great grandkids are & until you get to this point you don't realize how true it is. But all I can say is I love being a grandparent. As everyone knows Noah is in Japan and growing like a weed. He doesn't realize he is suppose to be a baby. no not him, he just went headlong into this growing up thing at lightening speed. I think after the first month he left infancy behind. But thank the Lord for modern technology! Since we can Skype on a regular basis he knows who we are & the other GRANDkids remember Aunt Cassey & Uncle Nathan and they get to talk to Noah so it's almost like they don't live out of the country.

Then there is Shane's 3 kids. what can I say? They lost there Daddy & it makes me so sad & so mad to, that they lost their Daddy, who was a hands on Dad & who wanted to be involved in their lives totally & completely, and he loved them so much, then their are other men out there who have nothing to do with their kids. It doesn't make sense. But life is full of questions & why's so I guess we will never know.

The my husband Greg. What can I say about him except,he is awesome!! You know you don't have to have the same blood running through you to be family! He completely loves all of our GRANDkids without fault! He has stepped up to the plate in SO many ways with our kids & GRANDkids! Folks who know us well know exactly what I'm talking about. He is a rock to me, the kids & GRANDkids! The grandkids are crazy about him & the feelings are mutual. So anyway he truly is amazing to me. Our life you could say has not really gone quite like we thought. When we lost Shane it totally & completely changed the course of our life! In some ways we will never be the same again! When it happened I wanted to curl up & die, and there are some days it still feels so fresh that the overwhelming feelings come back full force, but in other ways life is good. Looking at the GRANDkids sure help. Seeing my girls and watching their lives with their husbands help. They are both happy and grounded and even though they are still hurting as we are they have to go on to. The place in our heart for Shane will always be there & the pain of his loss will always be there but we must go on, one day at a time.

there is a saying that I've heard a lot lately that is so true, I hope I don't mess it up.

It's not the breaths that you take in your lifetime, but the moments that take your breath away that matters......

This is so true. So life is not guaranteed to always be happy, this I have learned, but you have to keep on rolling through your life and try to be happy.

Anyway these are a few of my thoughts for today. Oh and Cassey will be 27 tomorrow! Where has the time gone?

September 3

Today is Sept 3rd. It's been 9 mths now since life as we knew was changed forever. It's still so hard. The kids are still missing him and thinking of him. Ashtyn or Addi will say something out of the blue. Especially Ashtyn and he remembers so vividly. its amazing really. It's so sad to me that they tell people "My Daddy died". But they say it and it's the truth so......

I took Shane some new fall color flowers yesterday and removed some of the other faded flowers, it's so sad. I used to take him toilet paper or paper towels and maybe help him pick up around his house. But now I'm taking him flowers to the cemetery and picking up little bits and pieces of stuff around his grave. It's not fair! I know life's not fair but with so many bad people running around why my son? I know he was not without fault, ha! We all know he made some bad choices in his life but for his kids he settled down worked and took care of them loved them so completely, it just doesn't make since, but it never will so here we go, Life we keep on and make the best of it and try to live it for him, if he can't be here then we will carry on. Take care of his kids, love them and love the life we have, even if the smile is sometimes just a fraud..... but sometimes they are genuine.....

Just Rambling

Well here I am, it's almost the 9mth mark. The 3rd will be. Some days I think I've got this handled then next thing I know, I'm going down the road boo~hooing like a baby. I can't believe it's already 9mths. Where has the time gone? The kids are doing ok I guess. Who knows they are little. One day Addi told me her Daddy was in Heaven asleep, I want him to wake up now. So I have to tell her, you know Daddy cannot wake up. Then last week Ashtyn asked his Mommy if they could crash the car & die so they can go see Daddy. Now thats sad! She gave him a very good answer, she told him they couldn't & Daddy was in Heaven with Jesus cause he was real good at doing some things & Jesus needed his help. Chloe' I don't know, she doesn't like to talk about him, she says it's easier for her to not talk about him. I don't get to see her as much( thats another story) so I assume she's doing well. She did real good last year at school ended the school year with good grades.

Cassey, Nate & Noah are doing really well. Noah is growing like a weed & so smart, he doesn't realize he's a baby I think, he started schooching & crawling at 4 mths old.

Britt & Meguell are doing well, happily married. working & going to school. They are very happy so for this I'm thankful.

So life goes on the,some days are good and other's are well...what can I say? Just that some days I feel really really old. And today is one of them so.... tomorrow is another day & hopefully a better day.

So though things have been hard the last few mths I still have so much to be Thankful for. I still have my girls. I have a fantastic husband who has really stepped up to the plate in so many ways, who has really been wonderful though all of this.Who has loved me even when I feel unlovable, untouchable and unconsolable. I have a wonderful family and GRANDkids who I adore, so I'm Thankful. I'm loved , what more could I ask for except for my Son but thats not a possibility, so I just keep on , keep'n on..............

June 30, 2010

Well here it is. Shane's 30th birthday, I guess I'm supposed to be saying would have been his 30th. I still talk in the present tense. I haven't gotten to the point where I can talk about him in the past tense yet. This is such a hard day. I am home today with Chloe' she makes this day easier cause as a child she is happy. She's been making her daddy a cookie cake for his birthday. Yea you read right making him a cake. This is what she wants to do. We went to eat lunch at La Finca for his birthday because he likes their food. We are fixing to pick the little ones up from daycare, she's really excited to see them. Then we are going to see Daddy, take him his cake and the kids are going to release birthday balloons for him. Send them right up to Heaven so he will get them. I know this all sounds a little weird but this is what Chloe' wants to do for Daddy's birthday so even though it's hard we will do it. Whatever makes it easiest for her & the little ones we will do. If I had my way I would just kinda hole up here in the house and let the day go by. But Miss Chloe' has other ideas! I cannot wait for this day to pass! I know all the pain will still be but it won't be a constant reminder. This morning was filled with memories and tears but thats ok. its part of the process.

I've had alot of nice messages. Text & FaceBook and I really appreciate everyone kindness.

Well I'm off of here for now. Gonna go snuggle a little with Chloe' then we will pick the little ones up and have a "fun" afternoon.

Until next time.....

Well we just pasted another first. The kids first Father's Day without their Daddy. It's really sad that Shane who loved his kids so much will only be a memory to them! Chloe' is older so she will have more memories that won't be quite as faded as the 2 little ones. Of course this Father's Day was harder on me & the girls than i think the kids. The weekend before Father's Day we bought flowers for the kids to "take" to Daddy cause I had all 3 of them. I knew Chloe' was going to be with her Mom so we took them then. Then Sunday we took the little ones back and they took him each a single silk rose. As we get there the kids say Daddy & go running to the headstone, and as our heart breaks we watch them lay their flower down then their done. They go running off as Greg & I stand there. Then Greg (he is such a good man!) goes off with the kids and lets me have a few minutes with Shane alone.

Then next week we will have another first, Shane's b~day. He would have been 30 on the 30th.

I am dreading it so bad! Chloe' wants to make a cookie cake for Daddy, so we are. I've made arrangements with her Mom to let her come and spend the night. We will make him a cake and take it to him. I know this sounds weird but it's what Chloe' wants to do so we will, it makes it a little easier for her I believe to do this. When she was selling Girl Scout cookies she had her Mommy take her up there to take him his favorite cookie. They had cookies there then left the box. it's still there. It is her way of grieving I think to do this so if it helps then this is how its done. We will release balloons for him also on his birthday.

So 6mths has gone by some ways it's getting easier then in alot of ways it's almost harder. I don't know why but I guess it's all a part of the process.

Cassey is coming home in about 3 wks. It's her first time home since this all happened. it will be hard for her I know cause she should be introducing Noah to Uncle Shane. Noah has such a great personna about him already Shane would have loved him! But with the help of the Lord above, we will keep on......

I just wanted to update everyone and ask you to continue to keep our family in your prayers. its been 6 mths but in someways it seems like yesterday.

6 Months

Well today is mine & Greg's 3rd anniversary. 3 yrs ago everything was normal & happy. Our lives were rolling along pretty good. Everyone in our family was healthy and happy. Britt was in college, just finished up her first year. Nate & Cassey were living in Mississippi. In the good ole USA. Shane & his family were living in my kids childhood home. It may not have been the finest home. It needed work & there was some unhappy memories there but mainly all me & the kids remember the most was the good times.

Flash forward 3 yrs. Britt just graduated college and is a staff member at Hardin Simmons University, unbelievable. Then in August she starts working on her masters. Nate& Cassey are living in Misawa, Japan (Not in the good ole USA) and they now have their first child, Noah Jeffery Shaw. Named after his Uncle Shane. And Shane is gone.....

Me & Greg are outside this afternoon. He's watering the flowers while I'm painting my toe nails and I look up at the driveway. Today is our anniversary, and Shane should be driving up. Its strange how after 6mths I still expect him to come by to see us. Then my heart kinda stops and I get that hit in the gut when once again I realize that my Son is gone.....

Yes it is easier in some ways, I can function more on a normal day to day basis. Time has helped to where I don't feel that all consuming grief. I am so thankful for my girls and their families and I give God all the glory that they have good lives. But then I think of my Son. He at times caused me some sleepless nights in his teenage years, what boy doesn't. But we all thought he would always be here. We used to joke the girls and I, I think Cassey said it first when they were fixing to move to Japan, " you will always have Shane here with you Moma", it was funny when we said it, but we all thought it was true. He was so happy to raise his kids in the house he grew up in. And I'm not saying this to begrudge the girls & their husbands for living away. Not at all. They all have a good life where they are at. Nate & Cassey are truly experiencing a wonderful time in their lives. I wouldn't change it for nothing & Thanks to cell phones & SKYPE, it's almost like she is here.

Then I think of the kids. Chloe' is so beautiful and smart. She is doing so well in school. Her daddy would be so proud of her. Counting her there are 3 children just in her classroom that has lost a parent. One little boy lost his daddy about 2 mths before Chloe'. Then there is Ashtyn & Addi. They are doing so much better than I hoped for. But it breaks my heart to have to take them to "see" their daddy at the cemetary. They do better than I do. They just go running over to his headstone and look at everything that people have left there. I look at the stone and I just can not believe that Shane is gone....

Well tomorrow is the day we hate. As I was setting out on the porch thinking of the last 3yrs. I thought this time 6 mths ago everything in our lives was normal. Then in a little over 24 hrs. everything changed! I experienced something no parent should have to with the late night pounding on the door. The the next few days & weeks is just a nightmare. Shane is gone....

I guess all in all we are hanging in there pretty good. We have an amazing family and we have all helped each other. I have an awesome husband who at times may get a little grumpy but he has handled all these changes even better than I thought possible. He is my rock along with the girls & my son*n*laws also. It's really hard though when Ashtyn says things like " when my daddy was alive" or "my daddy died" or " I have a daddy but he died". Or as Addi told me the other day " I don't like it when mommy calls me Angel, my daddy is a Angel. I don't want to be a Angel like Daddy". So then I had to tell her mommy this so she would find another term of endearment for her. Chloe' doesn't say much. When she does it's usually something funny.

So I guess thats all I have to share tonight. The eve of the 6mth mark. Have I mentioned that I hate the 3rd? If I didn't have to I wouldn't go to work tomorrow. The 3rd in retail is a bad day anyway because people get their checks and go shopping. So many people are so rude and ungrateful. I guess they haven't lost a child or a loved one close to them. Then maybe they wouldn't be so rude! When they come to me and their mad for some silly reason and I still have to help them and be friendly when my insides are screaming " Why are you so inconsiderate? You are so rude, these things don't matter, what matters is Shane is gone!!!!!

Well here it is already May! You know after you lose someone they say the first year is hard because it's full of first. Everything you do is the first time without them and this is so true. I just passed my first Mother's Day without Shane.It was hard I tell you, but I kept thinking that I was so Thankful that we never made a big deal out of it. It was hard though because I would have seen him. I am so Thankful though that this was the weekend that Britt graduated from HSU so that we had something else to think about. The picture above is the last picture we had made with me and all 3 three of my kids. This is the day that Cassey was leaving for Japan so we really didn't all have smiles but at least we have this picture together. So on Mothers Day this year I wore this same T-shirt. I thought about it a few weeks ago and dug around like a madman trying to find it and was so happy to see that I still had it! Shane has been on my mind so much lately and all these questions, you know the ones that will never be answered, WHY? I think the kids to because they keep talking about him which is good. Addi told me a couple of weeks ago, "I want my Daddy", it breaks my heart but all I can tell her is I know baby. But like Brian said at least she still remembers him. That is what bother's me so much is to think the kids won't remember him when they get older but Greg said they will because he was so involved in their lives. He was a hands on Daddy. Chloe's Moma told me she had a hard night a couple of evenings ago. I hate this part of it. Those kinds of things are the most hard on her because she is the oldest she remembers more, but I know in the years to come this will be a good thing because her memories will clearer to her because she is the oldest.

Next month is 6mths! I cannot believe that time has gone so fast but then it seems like yesterday! Some days it hits me square in the very depths of my heart, in the very soul of me and the pain is almost as strong as the first day! I know i still haven't totally excepted it yet but I guess in time I will. Next month will be his 30 birthday, I don't know how that will be but I will make it I know God is giving me the strength to keep on going. That is the only way I have been able to get this far is through the strength He gives me.

Well its time to stop rambling on, just a few of my thoughts. Its a good thing I can't type very well or these little excerpts would probably be longer.

Please continue to pray for us and especially Shane's children

It's Hard but Life is Rolling on Along....

Wow, this Thursday, March 25,2010 it will be 16wks. Amazing 16 wks since I lost my Son. It is still so very hard for me to say that he is dead. It is like a shock to my system. It still is not real. There are some days that I miss him so much that I literally feel my heart aching. Before this I never even knew it was possible to feel that emotion but it is. 16 wks ago I would never have thought I could make it another day but I can, do I feel guilty about that, YES I do but the saying that time makes it easier is true it does. Does it go away? NO!! It is especially hard with the kids. I think it is never to far from their minds. Addi (the youngest, who is 3) told me the other day, " don't be dead like Daddy & be a angel stay with us, okay?" Of course I said ok, but I didn't promise. She ask me this out of the blue, I think I was putting on her jacket on when she said this. Or one day in the car I made the mistake of saying that how wrecks happen when this car pulled out & Ashtyn said " I don't want to be in a wreck & die like daddy & be a angel. There is not much to say when they say stuff like this. But we just carry on. Sometimes they are so funny or so sweet & Chloe' is such a good big sister and so much help with them if we are out & don't have Taw~taw with us which is not very often but she is good about helping me hold hands and such. I look at them & remember how much Shane loves them and I don't understand & I guess this is something I will NEVER understand.

I just wanted to say to when I mentioned Taw~taw before. He is an amazing man he really is. He truly loves these children so much & gives so much of his self for them. I didn't think I would ever see the day when he would go to McDonalds on his on, haha, but he does for them. We didn't think that at this point in our lives with Britt married that we would be helping to raise 3 young children, but we are. We have to do what Shane would want us to do. He would want us to be involved in their lives. So we try to be there for the kids, to help their Mommy's any way can. And their Mommy's have been so good to us, in letting us be included in the kids day to day lives. I know it's not the same as their daddy but we do what we can. So I say thank you to my husband for giving so much of his self for our GRANDchildren.

And speaking of GRANDchildren, we have number 4 coming any day now. We are all so excited because Nate & Cassey will be calling us anytime now to tell us that Noah Jeffery Shaw has made his GRAND appearance! Our family is so excited. I can't wait to meet him. This time next Sunday I will be on a plane headed that way. They are going to be such great parents, this I know because not only because she is my daughter but because of the people they are. I think Nate will be the strict one because thats how Nate is, but that will be okay. He is a good man & fair, he is a good husband to my daughter and he will be a good Daddy to my GRANDson. This will be kind of bittersweet for our family because we are so used to sharing everything with each other and Shane won't be here, but I believe he will be watching. He was so happy that Cassey was having a boy and Ashtyn would have another boy in the family, not forgetting Rylan of course.

I had a dream about Shane last night. I do not remember anything about it except he evidently was happy because I remember him smiling so I take that as a good sign.

Well once again I proved that I accurately named this blog Rambling's of Moma because when I write on here I ramble on & on. But I just wanted everyone to know that though we are hurting....alot, that we are making it. I myself have had some really hard times as I know the girls have, alot of the pain & suffering has been done silently within ourselves and people may not even realize how we are suffering as we go through our day to day lives but this is how we deal with it. And thats okay. We will make it. With the Lord on our side we can't miss and we have each other even though we are all spread out we still know we have each other and love each other, not only Greg & I and the girls and son~n~laws but also our whole family.

With that I will stop & tell you that the next time I write on here I will probably be in Japan and have a new GRANDson or already back home.

12 Weeks

Well this thursday 02/25/2010 is the mark of 12wks that Shane has been gone & 6 yrs that my Daddy has been gone. Where does the time go? There have been so many deaths since Shane. A friend from work lost her husband about a month ago then 2 days ago she lost her daughter in law to a yet unexplained incident. Last week my oldest granddaughter lost her 4 yr old cousin and a lady we go to church with lost her 5 mth old daughter. Then there have been several others in our town that have lost loved ones. Is it because I am more aware of it now that I have gone through it or because of technology we now hear more things than in the older days. All I know is I don't like it. It's getting better but then even that comes with guilt! I feel guilty because it is getting better. I don't cry as much then out of the blue BANG!! It hits me. Shane is gone. Not coming back. I got a phone call at work one day & for a split second I get excited cause I think, it's Shane. Kind of like he's been on a trip or something, then it hits me in the gut. No it's not Shane. Then I get uncontrollable tears and I'm at work trying to hold it together.

I picked the kids up today and they are so sweet. And for a minute Addi forgets. She says we are going to see Daddy & Ashtyn tells her " No Addi, remember Daddy is our Angel" yes he really said that to her. The big brother. He's 4 & she's 3. Thats where I have the hardest time. The kids, they shouldn't have to deal with such realities at such a young age. Then there is Chloe' Shane's oldest. She's so sweet. She was talking to me about her lil 4 yr old cousin who died last week. Here she is 7yrs. old & she is having to deal with all this death & so young. She told me she went to see her cousin at the funeral home. She said " I didn't cry I was brave like Moma told me to be" she told me that she was brave when her daddy died.I told her "Chloe' Mommy didn't mean for you to not cry. Crying is an emotion that we all experience when we are sad. It doesn't mean your not brave. You can be brave but still cry". I told her that we have all cried alot, but we are still brave. So you see even for this Moma, I miss my Son so much. But I really ache for his 3 beautiful & precious kids who are going to grow up without their Daddy who loved them SO MUCH! This is what is SO hard. Then there is my girls, Shane's sisters. Cassey & Brittany, they are having to deal with this in their on way, which is harder in a sense because they aren't here all the time, so they aren't used to seeing him all the time. So that means the next time they come home it will be hard all over again because they are used to coming home and going to see Shane & then kids. But I know I have to put my faith in God, even though I don't understand because if I don't keep my faith in him, it will destroy me & I can't let that happen. Not only because of Shane's kids but Noah & any of our future GRANDkids. For my husband, for my girls for our family.

Love & Disbelief

I just finished the book Mistaken Identity by Don & Susie Van Ryn and Newell, Collee & Whitney Cerak. All I can say is Wow the unwavering Faith that both of these families had thru the most horrendous time in a parent's life. It's really amazing to me how they managed to get through everything. You know before this happened with Shane, in any idle conversation you know we all say I don't know how people make it through when they lose a child. Well all I can tell you is AUTOPILOT! It's so hard to keep going but you know you have to. The first few weeks was a fog & still is when I think back to it. I thank God for my family who did so much during this time. Family & friends thats all I know that helped me. No matter how much or even down to sweeping the floors it was all appreciated so much Thank you from the bottom of my heart if I didn't think to say it to you. Thank you.

Anyway the families in this book I could understand how they were feeling. You ask why just as we did,but then you realize that in the grand scheme of things we are no different from anyone else. We always think that stuff like this happen to other families, "Not our family", not "My Son"! We have pictures of him everywhere but there are a couple of me & him on our frig & I look at them and my heart screams No Not SHANE!! I still cannot believe it.

I know Shane knows I love him! I know I was always there for him in this regard I have no regrets. Shane knew I was there for him, he knew if he called me I was there. But now with the passing of time(my mind goes off on it's on) I think I should have seen him more during the week. I should have gone by more that week or the week before & I can't control these thoughts. During the week after I get of work, I am so tired that when I get home I don't like to leave. And Shane knew this, he was like that to. He & I had a conversation about this just a few weeks before the accident. He said he knew he should stop by more in the afternoons but he didn't cause he was tired & ready to go home & I told him," I know Shane, I feel the same way", we all get busy working & with life in general, so I understand, I even told him I know you love me, we kinda laughed. He stayed that day for a long time & just visited. It was good. He was working on the mural at Truman, he was really into that. This was going to be a first for him & he was loving every minute of it. He really had a heart for the kids @ Truman, well I say kids they all aren't kids, some are young adults, but he really wanted to make things better for them....

Well my blog is appropriately called Rambling's of Moma and boy am I rambling on this morning, so I guess I better get off of here & go to work.

Life is not fair

How do you tell a 3 yr old they can't have their DADDY? Or explain to 3 little kids that DADDY'S house isn't their's anymore? or God love them, have their 7 yr old sister reading a childs book to them that explains about death to a little child. Chloe' took it upon herself in the car to read the book to them. She told me, " if I read it to them a couple of times maybe it will help them to understand that Daddy is an Angel", I ask her do you understand this Chloe' & she said yes. I believe her to, she seems so grown up about this. I guess thats the good thing about the age she is or the bad thing however you look at it. I don't believe I have seen her cry. The day I took her to see his headstone her eyes did get a little watery when we left. She is such a good big sister to them. Addi was adament yesterday that she wanted her daddy, I ended up in tears & bless my husbands heart he had to be the buffer, he took it from me & got Addi thinking about something else. We usually let them talk about Shane & we don't shy away from bringing him up & telling them that Daddy loves them & always will be with them but yesterday was different. I've always been the first to say that life is not fair but it's really not fair when you have to tell 3 young children that Daddy is gone....and they are all so loving, it really breaks my heart when I think of it. I try not to though. We both just love on them. Shower them with hugs & kisses. They are just so sweet. And Ashtyn is already his little sister's protecter. We took them to church today & when time came to take them to childrens church I took Addi to her room & asked Ashtyn if he wanted to go to the other room with kids his age & he said" No I have to stay with sister".

I try to imagine years down the road without Shane and even now at going on 9wks this week I can't. It's like I'm still waiting....

Grief, it's different for everyone.

Well last night 01/26/2010, I went to Tyler with a couple of friends from work to sit with another friend who is there with her husband of over 30 yrs who the doctors say will not last another 24 to 48 hrs. My heart goes out to her so much. I know her pain & grief. It's amazing how I could do that and remain steady dried eyed and normal. The human mind is puzzle. I hurt for her. I understand somewhat but I realized her grief is so different from mine. She is losing her soul mate, her companion, her best friend. She is losing her life long love. All I could say is I understand, but do I ? No, I think not, just as she can kind of understand my grief but not the full extent of it. So as I sit with her and our other friends I realized that all we can do is be there for her & one another. Love, Live & Forgive. Just as the Lord tell us. There are no promises that life is going to be easy. And as my family as learned life is full of pain, but we have each other, we have the Lord even though we may be somewhat shakey in our faith ( well some of us) we know he is in control, even if we don't understand or can't figure out why we just keep going. And this is my thoughts and this wednesday morning, the day before the 8 wks mark.....

The final piece of this nightmare

Well here it is the final piece of this nightmare that makes it SO real!! It is truly a beautiful headstone. Picked out & designed by his Dad, myself & the girls. It is really a beautiful tribute to Shane, the true & real Shane...aka Daddy. This is where Shane was so prosperous. He may not have had alot of money in the bank & he may not have had alot of material things but he had his children & his family! He loved his kids with his whole being. His concern was always that his kids be taken care of not his self. He even told us not to buy anything for him at Christmas, just buy for his kids. And he loved his family completely! He was so proud of his sister's. I'm not sure if he ever told them but he told me.

Are we still struggling? Yes very much so! He is the last thing on my mind at night & the first thing in the morning before I open my eyes.

People ask if you are doing ok, yes you tell them what else are you suppose to say? " NO MY SON IS DEAD"? But you don't say that you carry on day to day & try to find some normal in the day.

I seem to live for the next time the GRANDkids are here even though it tires me out so, but they are what makes it easier. And my girls I talk to both of them every day & that help so much even if its a Hi I love you but gotta go. Thats ok, cause thats normal. It seems the normal helps.

Shane's dad got a lady in town that paints on the windows of the business's in town to finish his mural at Truman, I've seen pictures that was forwarded to my phone but I haven't seen it yet myself. From what I heard she did it in memory to Shane, she wouldn't let him pay her. This is so sweet. I hope to meet her one day.

You know they say that the first year is the hardest because you experience all the first without your loved one. Well I've already started going thru that. A couple weeks ago I took them to Chuck E Cheese & the last time we were there Shane was with us. Tomorrow we go to Kids Station for Cameron's birthday the last time we were there was the day Cassey left for Japan, the last time she saw him, but I can't not go because of that! Then that would be the first step to not living if I hid away in the house & didn't take the kids to these activities, it would not be fair to them & I will not do that to them.

So how am I? Better to be honest, but it still is SO hard. I still cannot believe that Shane is gone....but we continue everyday... living.... for his memory, for his kids, for ourselves.

Just remember to love & cherish your family & friends don't let trivial things get in the way cause you never know when the last time you speak to them may well be the last time. Love one another

Life Goes On....

Life goes on even if we don't want it to. Its now 6 wks tonight. I've decided that I hate Thursday's! I know it's just another day but this is the day that our life changed so drastically! I along with the girls keep waiting for it to get a little better... but it's not. Not yet anyway. Last Friday when I picked up the kids, Ashtyn told me he hasn't seen his Daddy in a really long time, what do you say? I just said "I know baby" Then he went on to tell me that his "Daddy is an angel looking down at him". It seems his Mom is doing a really good job of explaining it to him & this I am so thankful for, I know he probably really doesn't understand but it helps him to have it explained to him over & over. Addi just talks about "Daddy died, he was in a wreck" & Chloe' really doesn't talk about it much. Now when a song came on the radio she told me "that was my Daddy's favorite song. I had someone tell me the other day that a lady, I think one of the teacher's told her that Shane was so involved in Chloe's school activities, she said when they had something Shane was always there. This I know to be true but as his Mom I am so glad the people saw this. He always went to her school at Halloween & helped her with the pumpkin carving contest. I hope & pray that Chloe' will remember this.

Well on a bright note Shane's cousin Craig who he has always been close to, like brother's, they are 11 days apart, he just had his 1st child last night! A little boy. His first little boy & he is Shane's namesake, Rylan Shane Magness. This would make Shane so happy as it will in March, when Cassey & Nate have their first child also a boy and he to will be Shane's namesake, Noah Jeffery Shaw. So even though we are having a really hard time as a family we are having happy times. It's hard but it's good. Precious babies can make even the saddest heart happy.

So our family is trudging along trying to make it through the deep bitter grief but we are so Thankful for the arrival of a healthy baby Rylan Shane. I know in my heart God is in control, it's hard to understand. I don't understand WHY but I just keep waiting. We have people still praying for us & for this I am so thankful because those prayers are the only thing helping me & my family through this.

To Mom's Who Have Lost a Child

___________________________ _________________________ To All Mom's Who Have Lost A Child..... I am wearing a pair of shoes. They are ugly shoes. Uncomfortable shoes. I hate my shoes. Each day I wear them and each day I wish I had another pair. Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step. Yet I continue to wear them. I get funny looks wearing these shoes. They are looks of sympathy. I can tell in others eyes They are glad my shoes are not theirs. They never talk about my shoes. To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable. To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them, But, once you put them on, You can never take them off. I now realize I am not The only one who wears these shoes. There are many pairs in this world. Some women ache daily as they try and walk in them. Some have learned how to walk in them so they dont hurt quit as much. Some have worn the shoes so long that days go by before they think about how much they hurt. No woman deserves to wear these shoes. Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman. These shoes have given me the strength to face anything. They have made me who I am today. I will walk in the shoes of a woman.... who has lost a child.