Tick~Tock

Tic toc, tic toc, there is the timer going on in my head & my heart. Here it is Nov 27, 2010. The saturday after Thanksgiving. Last year on this Saturday we were all happy. By now we were finished with Britt and Meguell's wedding shower. We were all so happy though Cassey wasn't with us they had a really great shower. And to top it off Shane & Brian dressed up as girls totally down to the pink toe nails, dresses, boobs the whole thing and busted in on the shower. We all loved it! Shane was at such a happy time in his life at this point. Happier than he had been in quite a while. Little did we know that the clock was running. That in less than a week our happiness was to be shattered. Tic toc, tic toc.....

Everything in this last year has been compared to the year before. When Shane was with us. So much has changed, we have all changed and I honestly don't know if we will ever be the same again. So much since that hellish night has gone on. Brittany got married, Noah was born, Brittany graduated from college. Shane's children have grown so much, somehow among all of this we have continued to go on. Though at times it seemed impossible. I remember the feeling of wondering how everyones lives continue to go on when ours had crumbled around us. I have been to more funerals in the past 12mths than I have my entire life! Mrs Molly so sweet & kind, such an example of what a true Christian is went to Heaven with her family about 2 wks ago. Then Elisha who sat right behind me, we chit chatted as we did at the Yamboree, she died last week so strange that 2 wks after Molly passed that Im sitting in the same pew at the same funeral home saying goodbye to Elisha. We all went to church together . Our kids grew up together for many years. And Cindy & Larry are going through the same thing. She also has 3 children who will have to learn to live without their parent. I remember last year thinking how can it be that last week we were at Britt's shower and this week Shane is DEAD? Last week we were having so much fun and SO MUCH LAUGHTER and this week SO MANY TEARS? Last week were were laughing and joking this week we are picking out Shane's casket??? This is not right. None of it is. I'm not right in so many ways and wonder, will I ever be?

Tic toc, the time is fast approaching to the 1 year anniversary and I cannot stand this feeling I have inside, like I'm about to explode! I can't stand it. So I turn in to myself so maybe it will pass. They always say the first year is the hardest because its the year were every thing you do, you do without your loved one. On one hand I cannot believe a year has already passed, on the other I'm angry cause it has passed so fast! I can't wait for the month of December to pass. Hurry hurry tic toc, tic toc...........