Saturday, November 27, 2010


Tic toc, tic toc, there is the timer going on in my head & my heart. Here it is Nov 27, 2010. The saturday after Thanksgiving. Last year on this Saturday we were all happy. By now we were finished with Britt and Meguell's wedding shower. We were all so happy though Cassey wasn't with us they had a really great shower. And to top it off Shane & Brian dressed up as girls totally down to the pink toe nails, dresses, boobs the whole thing and busted in on the shower. We all loved it! Shane was at such a happy time in his life at this point. Happier than he had been in quite a while. Little did we know that the clock was running. That in less than a week our happiness was to be shattered. Tic toc, tic toc.....
Everything in this last year has been compared to the year before. When Shane was with us. So much has changed, we have all changed and I honestly don't know if we will ever be the same again. So much since that hellish night has gone on. Brittany got married, Noah was born, Brittany graduated from college. Shane's children have grown so much, somehow among all of this we have continued to go on. Though at times it seemed impossible. I remember the feeling of wondering how everyones lives continue to go on when ours had crumbled around us. I have been to more funerals in the past 12mths than I have my entire life! Mrs Molly so sweet & kind, such an example of what a true Christian is went to Heaven with her family about 2 wks ago. Then Elisha who sat right behind me, we chit chatted as we did at the Yamboree, she died last week so strange that 2 wks after Molly passed that Im sitting in the same pew at the same funeral home saying goodbye to Elisha. We all went to church together . Our kids grew up together for many years. And Cindy & Larry are going through the same thing. She also has 3 children who will have to learn to live without their parent. I remember last year thinking how can it be that last week we were at Britt's shower and this week Shane is DEAD? Last week we were having so much fun and SO MUCH LAUGHTER and this week SO MANY TEARS? Last week were were laughing and joking this week we are picking out Shane's casket??? This is not right. None of it is. I'm not right in so many ways and wonder, will I ever be?
Tic toc, the time is fast approaching to the 1 year anniversary and I cannot stand this feeling I have inside, like I'm about to explode! I can't stand it. So I turn in to myself so maybe it will pass. They always say the first year is the hardest because its the year were every thing you do, you do without your loved one. On one hand I cannot believe a year has already passed, on the other I'm angry cause it has passed so fast! I can't wait for the month of December to pass. Hurry hurry tic toc, tic toc...........

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Thursday How I Hate You

Well here it is another Thursday Night. I'm watching Grey's Anatomy & fixing to watch Private Practice. I'm sweeping mopping all those not so fun things, the same thing I was doing last year on Dec 3, 2009 when life as I knew it was turned upside down. This has been the absolute worst year in my life. At this time it is easier, but no.... it's not. I feel at times like everything is spiraling. Ashtyn's hand was hurting from burning it last weekend & he was crying then said "I wish my Daddy was here cause he always put bandaids on my boo~boo's" all I could say was I know he would. You want me to put one on it? This is not fair! Where is the sense in all of it? But don't get me wrong here because children are so strong. They do miss him, so much but on the flip side they're growing & happy. Ashtyn has his moments but all in all they are adjusting pretty well, I think I mean what the hell do I know? I didn't ask for this anymore than his 3 kids did. I never know what Chloe' is thinking cause she doesn't like to talk about him, but I do know that when she comes over she is SO happy to be with us.She's glad to see the little ones & they are so glad to see her. Addi was looking at our pictures on the fridge, I thought she was gonna say something about her Daddy but this time it was Chloe' she told me " I wish my Sissy was here".

So anyway the 1 year anniversary is coming up and I can tell you the first year is pure hell. One minute its kinda ok then the next it's not. You know as we go through life we have family and/or friends that lose a loved one, we are sorry for their loss and when its a family member we feel the pain also but I can tell you until you experience it yourself you have no idea what it's like, you think you do but Im telling you , you don't. I had a friend that lost her daughter years ago in a accident. 6 yrs ago Susie lost Kinsey in a accident, I was one of those that sympathized for their loss, but I did not know the depth of it. I am angry sometimes that this year is almost over. Guilty even that I have survived this year. Everything is marked by this time last year he was here with us and so on. People ask how you doing? You ok? You just tell them yes. Lot's of time it may be true but lots of times it's not, but people don't really want to know that, I know they care but they really dont want to know that sometimes you feel as if your losing control or that your heart screams from the loss of your child, your first born & only Son.

Okay sorry I'm just going on. I really am ok but it's thursday and it's almost a year, it's been a hellish week so I'm just rambling on.

On a happier note, I just love being a Gammy. When Ashtyn looked at me this morning and told me he loved me so, so much it is the best. Or when Addi comes in after waking up & her beautiful hair is everwhere and climbs in my lap, its amazing. Then when Chloe' is here she gives me her bashful hugs and gives me that beautiful smile, I totally love it! Then there is Mr Noah. Sweet Noah who is only 7 1/2 mths but he thinks he's 2! I get to visit him on Skype and when he see's me he smiles just so bright! He is such a happy baby! Cass & Nate are great parents.

And let me not forget Brittany & Meguell, they are just starting out but they are doing great. I am proud of them. They are young but yet so mature. So as hard as things have been & can be, I have so much to truly be thankful for. And I am. And then there is my wonderful Greg. What a wonderful man he is. He has been my strength & my rock. He loves the girls & the grandkids without fault. He is amazing. So see even though I get down, it's like the Lord reminds me that though life is hard I do still have so much to be Thankful for. And I am........