Well it's getting closer to the one year mark, for some reason that hurts so much. Ashtyn turns 5 on Wed. Nov 3rd. We had a party here for him last year. Shane was here but sad to say I didn't get any pictures of him. Maybe a leg or a hip but not one of him or with Ashtyn. We just never know. I went to visit him today. I go 3 or 4 times a month. I never understood people visiting cemetery's. I do now. I go make sure it's clean throw away any old or faded flowers & my heart breaks all over again. I think this is my life now. I can go on, I can function day to day but the sadness is always there. Lurking and sometimes it spills out when I'm least expecting it! I love my girls & I love my GRANDchildren but I always will live with the fact that I have lost my first born, my only Son. It amazes me how it is easier then on the flip side it is so hard. I had a friend tell me that her friend said that learning to live after losing a child is learning to live with a broken heart everyday. I try to remember to be Thankful for what I do have. I have amazing girls. They are the lights of me. I have a totally wonderful husband, & I have a really great family. And GRANDkids "WOW" so that is what I remind myself of. Remind myself to be Thankful for what I do have but sometimes it's hard not question. I do question but there is no answer.