Wow, this Thursday, March 25,2010 it will be 16wks. Amazing 16 wks since I lost my Son. It is still so very hard for me to say that he is dead. It is like a shock to my system. It still is not real. There are some days that I miss him so much that I literally feel my heart aching. Before this I never even knew it was possible to feel that emotion but it is. 16 wks ago I would never have thought I could make it another day but I can, do I feel guilty about that, YES I do but the saying that time makes it easier is true it does. Does it go away? NO!! It is especially hard with the kids. I think it is never to far from their minds. Addi (the youngest, who is 3) told me the other day, " don't be dead like Daddy & be a angel stay with us, okay?" Of course I said ok, but I didn't promise. She ask me this out of the blue, I think I was putting on her jacket on when she said this. Or one day in the car I made the mistake of saying that how wrecks happen when this car pulled out & Ashtyn said " I don't want to be in a wreck & die like daddy & be a angel. There is not much to say when they say stuff like this. But we just carry on. Sometimes they are so funny or so sweet & Chloe' is such a good big sister and so much help with them if we are out & don't have Taw~taw with us which is not very often but she is good about helping me hold hands and such. I look at them & remember how much Shane loves them and I don't understand & I guess this is something I will NEVER understand. I just wanted to say to when I mentioned Taw~taw before. He is an amazing man he really is. He truly loves these children so much & gives so much of his self for them. I didn't think I would ever see the day when he would go to McDonalds on his on, haha, but he does for them. We didn't think that at this point in our lives with Britt married that we would be helping to raise 3 young children, but we are. We have to do what Shane would want us to do. He would want us to be involved in their lives. So we try to be there for the kids, to help their Mommy's any way can. And their Mommy's have been so good to us, in letting us be included in the kids day to day lives. I know it's not the same as their daddy but we do what we can. So I say thank you to my husband for giving so much of his self for our GRANDchildren.
And speaking of GRANDchildren, we have number 4 coming any day now. We are all so excited because Nate & Cassey will be calling us anytime now to tell us that Noah Jeffery Shaw has made his GRAND appearance! Our family is so excited. I can't wait to meet him. This time next Sunday I will be on a plane headed that way. They are going to be such great parents, this I know because not only because she is my daughter but because of the people they are. I think Nate will be the strict one because thats how Nate is, but that will be okay. He is a good man & fair, he is a good husband to my daughter and he will be a good Daddy to my GRANDson. This will be kind of bittersweet for our family because we are so used to sharing everything with each other and Shane won't be here, but I believe he will be watching. He was so happy that Cassey was having a boy and Ashtyn would have another boy in the family, not forgetting Rylan of course.
I had a dream about Shane last night. I do not remember anything about it except he evidently was happy because I remember him smiling so I take that as a good sign.
Well once again I proved that I accurately named this blog Rambling's of Moma because when I write on here I ramble on & on. But I just wanted everyone to know that though we are hurting....alot, that we are making it. I myself have had some really hard times as I know the girls have, alot of the pain & suffering has been done silently within ourselves and people may not even realize how we are suffering as we go through our day to day lives but this is how we deal with it. And thats okay. We will make it. With the Lord on our side we can't miss and we have each other even though we are all spread out we still know we have each other and love each other, not only Greg & I and the girls and son~n~laws but also our whole family.
With that I will stop & tell you that the next time I write on here I will probably be in Japan and have a new GRANDson or already back home.
