Thursday, December 31, 2009

2009 : (

Well here I am, it's the end of 2009, & it's almost exactly 4 wks since Shane had his wreck and since all of our lives changed so much! In 10 minutes it will be the time in which I lost my only Son. In 46 minutes it will be the end of 2009. Last year we were at Shane's celebrating the coming year. Little did I know then that I was bringing in the last New Year with Shane and sending out the year without him. I am having a really hard seems like the beginning of a new year is going forward without him and it's not fair. Life goes on I know this. We have to go on with our lives even though I feel like i'm betraying Shane, but I know I can't stop living to. It's so hard though. In these last weeks we've cried alot of tears in our family but we have laughed to. We've had a wedding, a honeymoon and a baby shower. We've had a small gathering at Meguell's parents home and we had a good time, played games, laughed and then I kept looking for Shane to walk in the room and he didn't and he never will again. How do we keep going? I also think of other families who are going through the same pain and grief that our family is going through, my heart goes out to them also. This is not how it's supposed to be. My heart breaks when I think about how his children will not know him, how much he loved them. All I can think is, it's NOT FAIR!! But whoever said life was fair? All I know is we will have to keep him alive for the kids, always let them know he loved them and love them also with our whole heart.

Thursday, December 24, 2009

What a Difference a Day Makes.....

4 wks ago life was normal, 3 wks ago life ceased to be normal for us. Now when my GRANDkids ask for their Daddy I have to remind them that Daddy is an Angel. Addi told me twice tonight I want my Daddy, it's not right when you have to tell a 3,4 & 7 yr old that daddy isn't here anymore. How can my heart grasped that I will never see my son anymore? THIS ISN'T RIGHT, THIS DOESN'T HAPPEN IN OUR FAMILY! How many other people are crying this same thing? There is so much death just these last few weeks. My heart goes out to the other Mothers who are wondering this same thing, how do I go on? But then we have so much to go on for. But it's hurts so much, but we have to reach down deep and live. Live for our other children & family members, This effects our whole family, we are all trying to keep going and it's hard but we have to find the strength.
There has been so many people tell us they are praying for us & I really am glad they are because I truly believe that is what is getting us through this horrible time. God is giving us his divine power to help us through this. I do not understand why this happened & I don't know if I ever will but with his help we will somehow come out of this. I wonder if the fog will ever lift? I have to go to work on Monday & I cannot imagine how I can do that, i can't even think a cohert thought at times while I'm at home, how will I function at work?
I have one favor to ask, love your family & friends, none of us are perfect, we all make mistakes. I just ask that in honor of Shane if your have not spoken to a friend or family member please do cause none of ever know when our last moment will ever come & we don't want to leave this world angry. Forgive & be forgivin.

Sunday, December 20, 2009

Beautiful & Bittersweet

Well here we are once again on early Sunday morning after Britt & Meguell's wedding. I went to bed last night at 7 p.m. totally & completely exhausted, physically & mentally, though I think it was emotionally that really got me. What a wonderful & beautiful wedding the kids had you couldn't have asked for anything better for them except for Shane to be there. I know he was watching & seeing what was happening but if only he could have there! Everything was perfect! The chocolate bar was a total hit, I mean people loved it! Someone was even heard saying this reminds me of going to the old fashion candy store, that was exactly what Britt & Meguell was wanting! They will be so happy to know that was what people thought. We have LOTS of pictures. Not only with our cameras but her photographer was everywhere. She was taking pictures of everything so she ought to have some amazing pictures. Everyone really enjoyed the dance floor! Especially Chloe' & Addi. They were dancing to everything. Addi kept crying ( she was tired to) dance floor, dance floor. Or she wanted Britt or Meguell to hold her & dance with her.
When the ceremony started & I saw Ashtyn carefully carrying his little treasure chest with the rings in it. I had a hard time keeping my composure, Shane would have been SO PROUD of him. He did so good and acted like such a little man.
I just wanted to tell everyone that we made it . It was hard. Cassey's speech was written from her & Shane so there were tears there. The florist also made a Memory table of Shane so he was there in picture & in our hearts.
I was so tired when I was driving home, & those who know me well know how I do not drive good when I'm tired or heck I really don't have to be tired but get droopy eyed sometimes when I'm driving. So I didn't think the trip home was ever going to end, anyway as I was driving into my driveway a car was coming out & it was a neighbor of Shanes & she told me she had been praying for me & felt like she should give me this book. Of course I started bawling. But she was so sweet, she asked how old I was & she told me that the time Shane is away from us was nothing compared to the time we will have with Shane in eternity. I just thought she was so sweet for that. So once again I'm going to say that people were so sweet during our loss. I had a lady in the restroom stop & talk to me about greiving over my grandkids & thats so true cause when I look at them my heart breaks cause Shane is not here. So thank you to everyone we know & do not know for being so kind during this hard time. We are going to make it but it is so hard. God keeps sending us his messengers to give of hope & love. You just don't know what that means to us.

Thanks everyone

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Painted Smiles

Well here we are, tonight it will be 2wks. I still can't believe he's gone. Not he, but My Son, Shane. I still keep thinking this doesn't happen in our family. Not Shane, he has 3 small children. We went to his house last weekend to kinda go through & clean up. I know alot of people would say they sure didn't waste anytime, but I wanted to do it while the girls were with me. I did not want to do it alone. I needed them with me, besides Greg who has been so strong for me, my girls have been my rock. Thank God for them, especially since Greg went back to work, so I haven't been alone to much though I enjoyed a little quiet time, I'm also enjoying my time with them. Anyway back to Shane's, we took the kids with us & they were all glad to be home, Addi got real excited & said " I'm going to see my Daddy", so Aunt Cassey stopped her & reminded her that Daddy wasn't here. She just went on then just happy to be home. The youthfulness of these children will help them thru so much easier than us but on the flip side that also means them being so young they will not have the memories that we do.
We put the tree up last Sunday, though none of us wanted to, but we did it for the kids. They did all the decorating so it's not spaced out right, alot of the ornaments are right next to each other but to me it's the most beautiful tree of any I have seen. But thats all I could stand to do just the tree no other decorations are up except the outside lights & a door wreath and this is only for the kids. Shane didn't go for alot of the other holiday's that we have through the year, but Christmas, yes he loved Christmas. He always wanted his children to have good Christmas's. We were not buying for anyone this year because of Britt's wedding & Cassey's shower except for the kids. But Cassey wanted Shane to have some presents & we all agreed so I asked Shane wanted, he told me Mom I don't want anything just take any of the money you would spend on me & buy for my kids" & I told him " Shane your kids are going to have a good Christmas, you know that with all of us they will have plenty. Little did we know that the Christmas they are having this year is going to be made not only by their family but by the amazing outpouring of love & generosity of so many people & we do not even know a quarter of them. So many people loved Shane, it really blows my mind how many people have told us so many nice things. How many notes we've received, e-mails, etc. we asked Chloe' to write a letter to Santa and while we were discussing what to put on it she said "I can't ask him to bring my Daddy back cause I know he can't do that" this broke our hearts because she is so young and she shouldn't have to be going through this.
Today marks the countdown to Meguell & Britt's wedding in 2 days. I can't believe it's here already, and we are having to go through this without Shane! It's not fair! He was so proud of her & of Cassey to. He loved both his sisters so much & admired them for the women they are. It's not going to be the same without him here. But we are all painting on our smiles because this is the happiest time in Brittany's life & it would not be fair for her not to be happy because he would want us to be. So its bittersweet that we enjoy these next couple of days with all the activities we have that Shane is not with us, but we cannot make Brittany's happy days any more grey than it will already be. I know I feel guilty when I forget for a second & smile or even laugh & I'm sure the girls & the rest of the family do to but he would not want that, he would want us to enjoy & be happy so this is what we will do even though all of our family pictures will have 1 missing My one and only Son, Shane...but we will paint on our happy face & smile and somehow make it through for you Shane....we love you so much!

Thursday, December 10, 2009

A Letter

When tomorrow starts without me, and I'm not there to see.
If the sun should rise and find your eyes, all filled
with tears for me; I wish so much you wouldn't cry,
the way you did today, While thinking of the many
things we didn't get to say, I know how much you love me,
As much as I love you. And each time that you think of me,
I know you'll miss me too; But when tomorrow starts without me,
Please try to understand. That an angel came and called my
name and took me by the hand, and said my place was ready
In Heaven far above, and that I'd have to leave behind, All those
things I dearly love.

But as I turned to walk away, A tear fell from my eye,
For all of life, I'd always thought, I didn't want to die.
I had so much to live for, So much yet to do,
It seemed almost impossible, that I was leaving you.
I thought of all the yesterdays, the good ones and the bad,
I thought of all the love we shared, And all the fun we had.
If I could relive yesterday, Just even for a while,
I'd say good-bye and kiss you, and maybe see you smile.
But then I fully realized, that that could never be,
For emptiness and memories, Would take the place of me.

And when I thought of Worldly things, I might miss come tomorrow,
I thought of you, and when I did, My heart was filled with sorrow.
But when I walked through Heaven's gates, I felt so much at home.
When God looked down and smiled at me, From his great golden throne,
He said, "This is eternity, and all I've promised you.
Today your life on Earth is past, But here it starts anew.
I promise no tomorrow,
But today will always last, and since each day's the same day,
There's no longing for the past. But you have been so faithful,
So trusting and so true, Though there were times you did some
things, you know you shouldn't do.

But you have been forgiven, And now at last you're free,
So won't you take my hand And share My life with Me?"
So when tomorrow starts without me,
Don't think we're far apart, for every time you think of me,

I'm right here in your Heart

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

My Son

June 30,1980 this is one of the first biggest days of my life. I became a mother! What an amazing experience. The years have flown by to add 2 more children with a total of 1 boy & 2 girls. My how the years just keep on flipping and before you know it I have 3 kids, 1 son~n~law, 3 GRANDkids, with a new Grandchild on the way in Feb 2010 oh and I'm getting a new son~n~law 12/19/09. Everything is rolling along as usual until the night of Dec.3,2009 @ about 11:45 pm with a banging on the door. Before you know the worst that can happen in a parents life.....My only son is gone. My daughters have lost their big brother & my 3 GRANDchildren have lost the adoring Daddy! How can this be? This happens to others but not to me! Not my family! This total utter feeling of loss & grief I can not stand! How is it when I hold my sons hand on this dreadful night & hold his face in my hand that I only feel cold? I think me my husband & my girls are just going along in limbo. In a fog. So many times in the last few days I have wanted to call Shane but I can't. The line is dead, no more calls no more hugs.....Oh I can't stand this complete utter feeling of loss! I still have my girls THANKfully but when they are gone then what? We used to always tease about the fact that with Cassey in Japan and Britt in Abilene " Well you still have Shane" but even that is not true. I don't have him anymore, but the worst part of that is that my Grandkids don't have Daddy anymore, and this truely breaks heart. There is nothing I can do now but love the time I have with my girls & I am so THANKful every day for my husband who is my rock. He is so busy being strong for me that he isn't thinking of himself! Al I can say for now is Lord, please give us strength!

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

How is it that one day we are here and the next we are gone? How can we be so content then it's all gone I am so Thankful for my wonderful family and our great friends. And you don't realize how kind & caring people are until you have a tragedy in your life just as we have had. My son...gone...It's so hard. i know they say time heals all wounds but how do you fill the void of someone who is a part of you? I didn't always talk to him everyday but close to it. He was a phone call or a text away. Drive down the road around 2 corners & down the hill, and he was there. And now he's gone? I can't wrap my brain around this one. How are we going to keep him alive for his 3 young children? It really hurts me to know that they will not remember him. How do we move on? I am so thankful my girls are here! So blessed to have my husband & we have such an amazing family, except we are missing one. This is something that happens to others, not us. we have to figure out how to go on.....