Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Well here it is already May! You know after you lose someone they say the first year is hard because it's full of first. Everything you do is the first time without them and this is so true. I just passed my first Mother's Day without Shane.It was hard I tell you, but I kept thinking that I was so Thankful that we never made a big deal out of it. It was hard though because I would have seen him. I am so Thankful though that this was the weekend that Britt graduated from HSU so that we had something else to think about. The picture above is the last picture we had made with me and all 3 three of my kids. This is the day that Cassey was leaving for Japan so we really didn't all have smiles but at least we have this picture together. So on Mothers Day this year I wore this same T-shirt. I thought about it a few weeks ago and dug around like a madman trying to find it and was so happy to see that I still had it! Shane has been on my mind so much lately and all these questions, you know the ones that will never be answered, WHY? I think the kids to because they keep talking about him which is good. Addi told me a couple of weeks ago, "I want my Daddy", it breaks my heart but all I can tell her is I know baby. But like Brian said at least she still remembers him. That is what bother's me so much is to think the kids won't remember him when they get older but Greg said they will because he was so involved in their lives. He was a hands on Daddy. Chloe's Moma told me she had a hard night a couple of evenings ago. I hate this part of it. Those kinds of things are the most hard on her because she is the oldest she remembers more, but I know in the years to come this will be a good thing because her memories will clearer to her because she is the oldest.
Next month is 6mths! I cannot believe that time has gone so fast but then it seems like yesterday! Some days it hits me square in the very depths of my heart, in the very soul of me and the pain is almost as strong as the first day! I know i still haven't totally excepted it yet but I guess in time I will. Next month will be his 30 birthday, I don't know how that will be but I will make it I know God is giving me the strength to keep on going. That is the only way I have been able to get this far is through the strength He gives me.
Well its time to stop rambling on, just a few of my thoughts. Its a good thing I can't type very well or these little excerpts would probably be longer.
Please continue to pray for us and especially Shane's children