Thursday How I Hate You








Well here it is another Thursday Night. I'm watching Grey's Anatomy & fixing to watch Private Practice. I'm sweeping mopping all those not so fun things, the same thing I was doing last year on Dec 3, 2009 when life as I knew it was turned upside down. This has been the absolute worst year in my life. At this time it is easier, but no.... it's not. I feel at times like everything is spiraling. Ashtyn's hand was hurting from burning it last weekend & he was crying then said "I wish my Daddy was here cause he always put bandaids on my boo~boo's" all I could say was I know he would. You want me to put one on it? This is not fair! Where is the sense in all of it? But don't get me wrong here because children are so strong. They do miss him, so much but on the flip side they're growing & happy. Ashtyn has his moments but all in all they are adjusting pretty well, I think I mean what the hell do I know? I didn't ask for this anymore than his 3 kids did. I never know what Chloe' is thinking cause she doesn't like to talk about him, but I do know that when she comes over she is SO happy to be with us.She's glad to see the little ones & they are so glad to see her. Addi was looking at our pictures on the fridge, I thought she was gonna say something about her Daddy but this time it was Chloe' she told me " I wish my Sissy was here".


So anyway the 1 year anniversary is coming up and I can tell you the first year is pure hell. One minute its kinda ok then the next it's not. You know as we go through life we have family and/or friends that lose a loved one, we are sorry for their loss and when its a family member we feel the pain also but I can tell you until you experience it yourself you have no idea what it's like, you think you do but Im telling you , you don't. I had a friend that lost her daughter years ago in a accident. 6 yrs ago Susie lost Kinsey in a accident, I was one of those that sympathized for their loss, but I did not know the depth of it. I am angry sometimes that this year is almost over. Guilty even that I have survived this year. Everything is marked by this time last year he was here with us and so on. People ask how you doing? You ok? You just tell them yes. Lot's of time it may be true but lots of times it's not, but people don't really want to know that, I know they care but they really dont want to know that sometimes you feel as if your losing control or that your heart screams from the loss of your child, your first born & only Son.


Okay sorry I'm just going on. I really am ok but it's thursday and it's almost a year, it's been a hellish week so I'm just rambling on.


On a happier note, I just love being a Gammy. When Ashtyn looked at me this morning and told me he loved me so, so much it is the best. Or when Addi comes in after waking up & her beautiful hair is everwhere and climbs in my lap, its amazing. Then when Chloe' is here she gives me her bashful hugs and gives me that beautiful smile, I totally love it! Then there is Mr Noah. Sweet Noah who is only 7 1/2 mths but he thinks he's 2! I get to visit him on Skype and when he see's me he smiles just so bright! He is such a happy baby! Cass & Nate are great parents.


And let me not forget Brittany & Meguell, they are just starting out but they are doing great. I am proud of them. They are young but yet so mature. So as hard as things have been & can be, I have so much to truly be thankful for. And I am. And then there is my wonderful Greg. What a wonderful man he is. He has been my strength & my rock. He loves the girls & the grandkids without fault. He is amazing. So see even though I get down, it's like the Lord reminds me that though life is hard I do still have so much to be Thankful for. And I am........