Love & Disbelief

I just finished the book Mistaken Identity by Don & Susie Van Ryn and Newell, Collee & Whitney Cerak. All I can say is Wow the unwavering Faith that both of these families had thru the most horrendous time in a parent's life. It's really amazing to me how they managed to get through everything. You know before this happened with Shane, in any idle conversation you know we all say I don't know how people make it through when they lose a child. Well all I can tell you is AUTOPILOT! It's so hard to keep going but you know you have to. The first few weeks was a fog & still is when I think back to it. I thank God for my family who did so much during this time. Family & friends thats all I know that helped me. No matter how much or even down to sweeping the floors it was all appreciated so much Thank you from the bottom of my heart if I didn't think to say it to you. Thank you.

Anyway the families in this book I could understand how they were feeling. You ask why just as we did,but then you realize that in the grand scheme of things we are no different from anyone else. We always think that stuff like this happen to other families, "Not our family", not "My Son"! We have pictures of him everywhere but there are a couple of me & him on our frig & I look at them and my heart screams No Not SHANE!! I still cannot believe it.

I know Shane knows I love him! I know I was always there for him in this regard I have no regrets. Shane knew I was there for him, he knew if he called me I was there. But now with the passing of time(my mind goes off on it's on) I think I should have seen him more during the week. I should have gone by more that week or the week before & I can't control these thoughts. During the week after I get of work, I am so tired that when I get home I don't like to leave. And Shane knew this, he was like that to. He & I had a conversation about this just a few weeks before the accident. He said he knew he should stop by more in the afternoons but he didn't cause he was tired & ready to go home & I told him," I know Shane, I feel the same way", we all get busy working & with life in general, so I understand, I even told him I know you love me, we kinda laughed. He stayed that day for a long time & just visited. It was good. He was working on the mural at Truman, he was really into that. This was going to be a first for him & he was loving every minute of it. He really had a heart for the kids @ Truman, well I say kids they all aren't kids, some are young adults, but he really wanted to make things better for them....

Well my blog is appropriately called Rambling's of Moma and boy am I rambling on this morning, so I guess I better get off of here & go to work.