Saturday, October 30, 2010

<-- this was Shane last year at Treats on the Square.

This is Shane this year at Treats -->
on the Square.

My Year of Heart Breaking Firsts

Everything that I have done this year has totally broke my heart all over again. I still cannot fathom the idea that he is gone. Everything that I have done it's always on my mind that this time last year Shane was here or Shane was doing this. I have always heard that the first year after you lose someone is the hardest because its a year of first, I believe every year will be hard but it is true the year of first without him, hurts. The time has seem to have flown by. Where has it gone? Where is my Son? I will be taking the kids tonight to Treats on the Square, it will be hard because every other time I have ever gone it was with him. My Moma is even having a hard time cause she has said a couple of times "last year I went with Shane". But I will go cause it's for the kids. They still miss their Daddy. Ashtyn told me a couple of weeks ago, : I wish my Daddy was here" all I could say "was I know, me to". So we carry on this year of first without him. His kids have grown so much since last December. Ashtyn is going to be 5 next week, then Addi will be 4 next month & then Chloe' will be 9 in April and life goes on, for some. I know that life can't stop but it sure makes the ones left behind fell guilty. Guilty because my life has gone forward, though much sadder but it has gone forward even though his hasn't. It doesn't seem fair but I have always said that life is not fair. I just never knew how true that statement was until Dec 3, 2009.
So forgive me for sounding a little down. I am but it will pass for a moment or two. Sometimes I feel like a clown, you know they paint on a smile. I will keep painting it on & I pray that one day it will be the real thing. With the Lord, my wonderful Husband, my girls and our most wonderful Grandkids, all 4 of them & my family this is how I make it through this Hell that we are all trying our best to make it though...we will. Losing Shane has left a whole so big in our hearts but thankfully we have such a good family & extended family members. We have lots of love so we will carry on .......

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Well it's getting closer to the one year mark, for some reason that hurts so much. Ashtyn turns 5 on Wed. Nov 3rd. We had a party here for him last year. Shane was here but sad to say I didn't get any pictures of him. Maybe a leg or a hip but not one of him or with Ashtyn. We just never know. I went to visit him today. I go 3 or 4 times a month. I never understood people visiting cemetery's. I do now. I go make sure it's clean throw away any old or faded flowers & my heart breaks all over again. I think this is my life now. I can go on, I can function day to day but the sadness is always there. Lurking and sometimes it spills out when I'm least expecting it! I love my girls & I love my GRANDchildren but I always will live with the fact that I have lost my first born, my only Son. It amazes me how it is easier then on the flip side it is so hard. I had a friend tell me that her friend said that learning to live after losing a child is learning to live with a broken heart everyday. I try to remember to be Thankful for what I do have. I have amazing girls. They are the lights of me. I have a totally wonderful husband, & I have a really great family. And GRANDkids "WOW" so that is what I remind myself of. Remind myself to be Thankful for what I do have but sometimes it's hard not question. I do question but there is no answer.