Painted Smiles

Well here we are, tonight it will be 2wks. I still can't believe he's gone. Not he, but My Son, Shane. I still keep thinking this doesn't happen in our family. Not Shane, he has 3 small children. We went to his house last weekend to kinda go through & clean up. I know alot of people would say they sure didn't waste anytime, but I wanted to do it while the girls were with me. I did not want to do it alone. I needed them with me, besides Greg who has been so strong for me, my girls have been my rock. Thank God for them, especially since Greg went back to work, so I haven't been alone to much though I enjoyed a little quiet time, I'm also enjoying my time with them. Anyway back to Shane's, we took the kids with us & they were all glad to be home, Addi got real excited & said " I'm going to see my Daddy", so Aunt Cassey stopped her & reminded her that Daddy wasn't here. She just went on then just happy to be home. The youthfulness of these children will help them thru so much easier than us but on the flip side that also means them being so young they will not have the memories that we do.

We put the tree up last Sunday, though none of us wanted to, but we did it for the kids. They did all the decorating so it's not spaced out right, alot of the ornaments are right next to each other but to me it's the most beautiful tree of any I have seen. But thats all I could stand to do just the tree no other decorations are up except the outside lights & a door wreath and this is only for the kids. Shane didn't go for alot of the other holiday's that we have through the year, but Christmas, yes he loved Christmas. He always wanted his children to have good Christmas's. We were not buying for anyone this year because of Britt's wedding & Cassey's shower except for the kids. But Cassey wanted Shane to have some presents & we all agreed so I asked Shane wanted, he told me Mom I don't want anything just take any of the money you would spend on me & buy for my kids" & I told him " Shane your kids are going to have a good Christmas, you know that with all of us they will have plenty. Little did we know that the Christmas they are having this year is going to be made not only by their family but by the amazing outpouring of love & generosity of so many people & we do not even know a quarter of them. So many people loved Shane, it really blows my mind how many people have told us so many nice things. How many notes we've received, e-mails, etc. we asked Chloe' to write a letter to Santa and while we were discussing what to put on it she said "I can't ask him to bring my Daddy back cause I know he can't do that" this broke our hearts because she is so young and she shouldn't have to be going through this.

Today marks the countdown to Meguell & Britt's wedding in 2 days. I can't believe it's here already, and we are having to go through this without Shane! It's not fair! He was so proud of her & of Cassey to. He loved both his sisters so much & admired them for the women they are. It's not going to be the same without him here. But we are all painting on our smiles because this is the happiest time in Brittany's life & it would not be fair for her not to be happy because he would want us to be. So its bittersweet that we enjoy these next couple of days with all the activities we have that Shane is not with us, but we cannot make Brittany's happy days any more grey than it will already be. I know I feel guilty when I forget for a second & smile or even laugh & I'm sure the girls & the rest of the family do to but he would not want that, he would want us to enjoy & be happy so this is what we will do even though all of our family pictures will have 1 missing My one and only Son, Shane...but we will paint on our happy face & smile and somehow make it through for you Shane....we love you so much!