December 3

December 3, the dreaded date that we hate. Its here and nothing can change it. Nothing can stop all the thoughts. So many what if's. What if he had not gotten his new Tahoe, then he would have all ready been home cause he was catching rides. What if he had buckled up as I had told him over & over. What if he had came home to stay right after work and not stayed over to work on the mural at Truman. What if, what if, what if!!!!!!! Nothing will ever change the cold hard truth. Shane, my Son, my first born. Shane, Cassey & Brittany's big brother. Their protector, their one to look up to, their one to worry about, especially Cassey, you know her she always worried about him. And yes their terrorizer! He was that he was their "Big Brother" and thats what brothers do, aggravate their little sisters . Shane, Chloe', Ashtyn & Addi's Daddy, he is gone.......

Lord knows this has been a hard 2 yrs. So many changes so many adjustments. We've had to learn to go forward even when we didn't want to. You hear all the time life goes on & it does even when you wish it didn't. My mind keeps saying this time 2 yrs ago I didn't know that by later in the night how our life was going to change. And since then our lives have continued to change. Britt has married, Nate & Cassey have had Noah, the kids are getting older. Me & Greg are getting older lol but we just keep going. Thats all we can do. Love each other.

You look around and listen and realize there are so many people walking around in pain and grief, so many walking around with a smile that is not exactly real, more like painted on to make it through whatever is going on in their lives. Just say a prayer for them. And say a prayer for me, Greg, the girls Shanes kids our family. We are all going through this together even though we may not all be here together. Their is a place in our hearts that will be forever empty because we have lost him, that will never be filled. We just have to hold on to what we've got.....each other

Tis The Season

Well its here again, the Holiday Season. The time when people are to be jolly. I dont know about that. Anyone who knows me well know that I dont enjoy the holidays to much because working in retail its all around us so it takes some of the pleasure away. Ive always enjoyed the family part and the kids. Kids truly make the season Merry. But the dreaded date that the girls and I absolutlely hate is coming up the day our lives changed forever. Dec 3, 2009. Some things you never get totally over. Losing Shane is that time. Things will never be the same, nor will we. I was talking to another Mother in the store yesterday, she lost her son about 2wks after Shane in a car wreck. He was her baby boy though he was just over 30. And we were talking about how we have to be thankful for what we do have. And I am truly. Im thankful for my Lord first & foremost. My wonderful husband who has stood by me & loved me from hell & back. My girls who are just amazing to me . I am in awe of them and all they do. Neither one of them are afraid to try anything new. Our grandkids. All 4 of them. They make me smile so much. Each of them are amazing in their on little way. Already little people. Shanes 3 each have some of their Daddy in them. I look at their eyes and see HIM. It makes me happy & sometimes sad. Especially Ashtyn, just his expressions, he looks just like him except for the blond hair.

And there is NOAH!! What a little ball of fire he is. Everything to him is a new adventure. I swear he hasnt been a baby since he was like 2 wks old. I enjoy everything about him.

So anyway, I am very THANKful for what I do have and for who is in my life. My family & my extended family. There are people in my life that even though they dont have the same blood they are my family. And Im thankful for them.

So back to the dreaded date. I have wished it would just pass & it will. I dont know if it will be quiet or with people. We have a invite to go to a big bonfire on that night. I was looking forward to it thought it would be alot of fun until I saw the date. I told Greg maybe it would be best to go be around people not tell them what the date is & try to have fun. It would be better I guess than sitting at home watching the clock for that dreaded time. Which is what I would do. We will see.

Anyway I better get off Addi just got up & shes talking to me & I cant think now, haha! Love these kids.....

School Days

                                                                    Shane's Babies


 Well its been so long since Ive been on here, I forgot that I had started this one and didnt finish it. So it will probably short & sweet. All 3 of Shanes kids are in school now. WOW! Minding blowing. They are not babies anymore. Growing up so fast. When I picked up Chloe' Friday she asked " are we going to get the kids at daycare?" I told her no silly off the bus. And she said oh I forgot they arent little kids anymore they are in school to. 
 They are all doing good. basically. Chloe is having a little trouble in Math & forgetting to turn in her work. Ashtyn does act up in school but not to bad. And Addi, well she is Addi just going along rolling with the flow. Now don't get me wrong she's hardheaded to.
 I am very proud of all 3 of them. 

"The Babies"

Well it's time. The "babies" as we have always called them are going to "BIG" school in a little over a week! I can't believe it! Can't call them babies anymore. Well actually they made me stop quite a while ago, cause they said they weren't babies! Chloe' is going into the 4th gr. Ashtyn kindergarten & Addi in Pre-K. Where does time go?

Nate, Cassey ,Noah & Dezi are moving into their new home right now as I type this. They got the key this afternoon. They are now home owners. Meguell & Britt will be boarding a plane in Africa in just a few hours to come back home to the USA, & Texas. They have been on a mission trip for 2 wks. Three weeks for Meguell. Then the minute they get back they are moving into their new home & new life as host parents to foreign students. 3 boys. Man life changes, doesn't it?

Greg & I have started the add-on to our house. It will take some time but we can do it & it will be so worth it in the end.

Everyone is busy going here and there. Things are changing for us. But one thing remains the same "Shane", you aren't here. So much as changed since we lost you. So many things in our family have changed and will never be the same again. But life goes on...

We miss you Shane so much! You would be so proud of your kids. They each are beautiful. They have really good personalities. I look at them sometimes & my heart kinda swells & aches at the same time because I know you would be so proud of them and also because its sad that you aren't here with them. Thats a question I guess that will never be answered, why you?

You also would be so proud of your sisters. I know you always were proud of them & you would be even more so now because of what they are doing with their lives and how things are going for both of them They to still miss their big brother, so much.

And I know you would be so happy to know that Greg & I are involved in all 3 of your childrens lives.

I miss you more than words can say, Greg is always quick to remind that you are around and you know whats going on. The girls miss you also more than words can say. And you children miss you. It amazes me sometimes what they say. We will always try to keep your memory alive for them We keep your pictures up for them and they do look at those pictures and sometimes talk to you.

Life goes on though its sad that you aren't here. We haven't forgotten you thats for sure. And though life does go on we will always remember you & think of you.

And always Love you.

Time Has Passed

July 2011

Well a lot of time has gone by since the last time I wrote on here. A lot has happened in the last several months, changes in all of us, changes in our family. Things have gone on in our family that if you had told me a year and a half would happen I would never have believed it. We are still trying to come to terms, the girls and I with the fact that Shane is not here. Yes the pain is bearable though at times it still sneaks up and literally punches me in the stomach. But it still doesn't seem right that he is gone. I still struggle with using the statement "Shane died". I usually say he's gone, or when we lost him. It's funny how I didn't really realize that Shane was the peacemaker in our family. I'm talking about the whole family, not the girls & I. Anyone that knows him, it probably makes you chuckle when you think of him as the "peacemaker" because normally the way he went about making peace was usually anything but peaceful. Lol, what can I say, we have always been a loud family. My heart aches because of the things that have gone on I know that Shane & Daddy would be sick if they knew. You know Cassey, Britt and I were talking about how they would feel if they looked down and saw all of this going on, about how they would feel. But when we are in Heaven, do we really look down at our loved ones, see the pain they are in, how they are hurting? Heaven is perfect so I wonder how can they look down and see our imperfections and still be blissfully happy?

Both of my girls are amazing! They both have really good husbands, Cass has Noah to. They are along with their husbands making a good life for themselves and I can not say enough how proud I am of them. They have totally different lives but good lives! I love you girls very much!

I really think I named this blog just right because every time I write I always feel like I'm rambling on and on. Thats one reason I haven't been writing as much because of that.

Day 6 A Picture of Someone I would like to trade places with for the Day

Well I've thought & thought about this and thats why my Day 6 is late. I honestly couldn't think of anyone. Faith Hill came to mind so after not coming up with anything, I decided to use her. Why you say? Well look who is standing in front of her, ha ha! And she's beautiful, friendly. She seems very happy and like a all American girl. Who wouldn't want to trade places with her for just a little while? Then you think of all the good a person can do with their kind of money. I really do adore them & I truly love when they sing together. I saw them on a show once & they were in the kitchen , I think he was cooking and they seemed like any other husband and wife. I admire them so for taking care of their girls and not putting their singing career before their family. I think thats awesome.

Day 5 : Favorite Memory

My Favorite memory is me, Brittany & Cassey exploring & sight seeing in Japan! I never would have thought I would get to do something like that once, not to mention twice! First time was a month of sight seeing & precious time with my girls. The second time was to meet Mr Noah! What an amazing lil fella. It was also my first time to fly & I loved it. Yes it was a long flight but I loved flying.

Day 4 : Favorite Night

Not our best picture but we were having SO much FUN!! Just greg & I went to Beaver's Bend for the weekend. It was probably Summer 09' I think. Just the two of us, not a care in the world & had a Great time!

Day 3: My Favorite Show

Ok so Day 3 is a picture from the cast of my favorite show. I really like Private Practice. I know, I know its no more than a night time soap, but I like it. It has no meaning but I enjoy it, so here it is! ; )

Day 2: Cont.

Ok well anyone who knows me, knows I have been friends with Genny for like forever! Our kids grew up together. Her girls thought of Shane as their brother to.The girls are all still friends. We are all still good friends with Mark as well. There have been a lot of changes through the years, but the friendship is still there. My Daddy always said if you go through life and have one true friend that you are blessed, so I guess I am blessed a many!

Day 2:

My Best Friends,

What can I say? My husband & my girls! They are my best friends. My hubby has stuck with me through all of our rough & rocky roads that we have gone through the last couple of years. He loves me, the girls & the grandkids, he has always done so much for us been there for us. (even if he gets a little grumpy, haha) I knows he still loves us.

My girls, they are the absolute best!! I admire them so much! I am amazed at how they have grown up to be such level headed ladies! When they are around they keep me laughing thats for sure. I am truly blessed!

30 Day Picture Challenger TOPICS

30 Day Picture Challenger TOPICS

Day 1: A picture of you with 10 facts.
Day 2: A picture with you and the person you have been closest with.
Day 3: A picture of your cast from your favorite show.
Day 4: A picture of your favorite night.
Day 5: A picture of your favorite memory.
Day 6: A picture of someone you would love to trade places with for a day.
Day 7: A picture of your most treasured item.
Day 8: A picture that makes you laugh.
Day 9: A picture of the person who has gotten you through the most.
Day 10: A picture of the person you do the craziest things with.
Day 11: A picture of something you hate.
Day 12: A picture of something you love.
Day 13: A picture of your favorite band/artist.
Day 14: A picture of someone you could never imagine your life without.
Day 15: A picture of something you want to do before you die.
Day 16: A picture of someone that inspires you.
Day 17: A picture of something that has made a huge impact on your life recently.
Day 18: A picture of your biggest insecurity.
Day 19: A picture of a letter.
Day 20: A picture of somewhere you'd love to travel.
Day 21: A picture of something you wish you could forget.
Day 22: A picture of something you wish you were better at.
Day 23: A picture of your favorite book.
Day 24: A picture of something you wish you could change.
Day 25: A picture of your favorite day.
Day 26: A picture of something that means a lot to you.
Day 27: A picture of yourself and a family member.
Day 28: A picture of something your afraid of.
Day 29: A picture that can always make you smile.
Day 30: A picture of someone you miss.

30 Day Picture Challenge

Cassey wanted me to try this so I will. I don't know how good I will be at it though.

30 Day Picture Challenge:

Day 1: A Picture of Yourself & 10 Facts....

1. I love my husband, truly & deeply. When we said I do June 2, 2007 . We had no idea how much our life was going to change in two yrs.

2. Our kids & Grandkids mean the world to me.

3. I lost Shane Dec 3, 2009 in a car wreck & I believe its the one thing I will never truly get over.

4. My girls are a true blessing to me & I admire them so much.

5. I love all of our family.

6. I desire to be a more Godly person.

7. I have decided to take better care of my body & live a healthier life style & I have discovered that I like working out.

8. I am shocked that I am (shhh) 50 at the end of the year!

9. I can't believe that I have worked in the same place for over 19 yrs.

10. I love FaceBook because I can keep up with my girls, my family. And friends that I might not otherwise ever talk to.

I miss my kids. Thats the plan & simple truth! Cassey is so far away but we talk daily. Brittany may as well be overseas with Cass cause I don't get to see her either. But we also talk daily. My girls are such a blessing to me. They are so level headed and responsible. The Lord truly blessed me with them. They always think of me and no matter how busy they are they take the time to call even for just a quick Hello. For this I am Thankful.

Shane....I have this ache still way down deep. I assume I will always have it. Most days are ok even though the ache is always there. Then some days it's so strong it's almost physical. Ashtyn was talking this morning about his co*cart Shane had gotten for him and he said "Gammy, do you remember when my Daddy was alive"( then on with his story). It's sad that children so young have to deal with death.

I'm looking forward to the end of March because I'm gonna go see Britt & Meguell. The in July I think Cassey, Nate & Noah will be in Texas for a couple of weeks. So I'm looking forward to seeing everyone in the coming weeks and months. I guess I'm going through a little empty nest here. But it will pass. So girls if you read this do NOT worry about me. I am fine! I'm just having a moment, but it will pass.

Now on the up side. Noah is 11mths old today! Unbelievable! Where as the time gone. In another month he is going to be 1 ! Wow! he is such a smart litle guy. A bright & shining star thats for sure. Oh and by the way, Shane's 3 kids are doing fine. Growing up so much. They really seem to be doing good. So basically everyone is ok. And for this I am thankful!

2011

I can't believe it's already close to the end of Febuary 2011. Where does the time go? i know it's been a long time since I have written. The 1 yr anniversary of losing SHane has come & gone. It was terrible to be honest. Truman W Smith put on a memorial for their workers and Shane's family. It was heart wretching, almost like losing him all over again, but then it was good to, good to know they still think of him and miss him. They truly loved him as he did them he really loved his job there. Im going to try to write on here more but it will be mainly for me. Not private, anyone who knows about my blog can read it but Im not going to post it right now cause I want it for me.

Today is probably not the best day to write here because I feel kind of down. I feel alone and I don't know why. The 3 kids are here. Greg is here but I feel alone....Probably hormones or something. I miss my kids. I still feel such a lose of Shane. He was always just right around the corner, but not anymore. I miss my girls, it feels like forever since Ive seen them, they make me laugh so much! But it will pass. Like I said it's just hormones or just a fleeting feeling. I think it's a normal feeling for a Mother who has lost a child or even one who hasn't but her children are far away. I do not at all resent that they are far away. Both of my girls have made a good life for themselves. They have great husbands, both of them & now Cass has Noah. I truly am blessed by them and by my 3 GRANDchildren who at this moment are in there watching Shrek. They are amazing children.

So I will get off for now and next time I will be more positive.