Another June......


    Well its here, June. Another of the dreaded months. I'm looking forward to this weekend because Im taking Shane's kiddos to Abilene to see Aunt Britt & Uncle Gell as they call him. But the bad thing is this weekend is Father's Day another one he is missing out on. I will have to take them to the cemetery for them to be able to say "Happy Fathers Day Daddy" UGH! Even after 2 1/2yrs I still hate this. I know its not going to change but oh I so wish. Then on the 30th my one & only Son would have been and should have been 32. I suppose I will take them again up there so they can release balloons for their Daddy. June used to be a happy month, I had my first born in the month of June. But now I can only think of the should haves. And the not fairs!
   The one good thing in June is on the 2nd. Greg & I had our 5th wedding anniversary though we've been together 12 yrs total. Mostly good years though the last 2 1/2 have been life changing.
   So once again I will pull myself up, put on the smile, (where the hell is that thing?) And just keep on going. Loving the ones I do have here. Reminding myself to be thankful. Bla Bla Bla.
No its ok, its just a mood. Its dark and everything is worse on the dark.
   Heres to a better tomorrow.......

Happy

                                         


 Well I have just returned after an amazing week in California. I so throughly enjoyed the week with Nate, Cassey & Noah. I got home yesterday after all this fun I had and my wonderful husband had cleaned the house, washed sheets & cooked dinner for me. 
 This morning we got up had breakfast then got on our motorcycle and went for a nice & relaxing ride. As a passenger on a bike all you can do is think and look at Gods beauty around you which I did.  When I realized what all I was thinking about I thought well this will make a good blog because I haven't written one in a while. So here I go, hopefully its as good on here as it was in my head.
 Dec 3, 2009 this day changed me & my family forever. This is the day Shane died. This is the day that marked my world forever. I will never be the same person I was before this day. Losing him totally changed us and the way we live. Its something I know I will never get over. But you have to pull yourself out of the murky waters of grief and keep going on.... Since this time we have had some things go on in our family that also has changed the way my family carries on. But you know life is all about change, sometimes good, sometimes not so much. But we all have to find a new normal in our life. Friends come and friends go, family comes and family goes. There is nothing we can say or do to change that. We just have to carry on.
  My girls, what can I say other that I stand in awe of them both. They are both amazing woman with good husbands and I truly admire them both so much for the lives they live. They both love the Lord and serve Him, though in different ways. Cass through her work and love of her child, and the other children that she keeps in her home. Teaching them. Britt through her Mission work and her work with young people at her job at the college.
 Then I was thinking of the life that Greg & I have. its a good life, though its somewhat different than it was before we lost Shane. We've made a lot of adjustments in our life. It hasn't always been easy but we are making our way through. I was thinking how I wanted a room addition on our house. As I have before I wonder if we will ever get to? This I do not know, but then I was also thinking how we are never satisfied with what we have. I want more room, then I have a friend who would like less room. So we are always wanting what we don't have, right? So I told the Lord, you know whatever I get or don't get thats ok. Whatever is meant to be will happen. I know I have to be happy with my life as it is today. Then I realized, I am Happy. I may not always be happy with a current situation or with something that may go on. But I am happy. If others don't like the choices I've made or some decisions I've made, so be it.I have to do what is best for me and my family . We can't always make others happy. But I'm happy. I may never get any more room, but I'm Happy. We live a good modest life, and yes there are always things we want and may not get but we are happy. Im healthy, have a great husband, wonderful kids. Amazing Grandkids I adore. I have really good and close friends that I know will be there for me with only a phone call. And some family we are close to. So, can I ask for more than that. Yes I can but I shouldn't .
 So all I can say is I'm Happy.....

December 3

December 3, the dreaded date that we hate. Its here and nothing can change it. Nothing can stop all the thoughts. So many what if's. What if he had not gotten his new Tahoe, then he would have all ready been home cause he was catching rides. What if he had buckled up as I had told him over & over. What if he had came home to stay right after work and not stayed over to work on the mural at Truman. What if, what if, what if!!!!!!! Nothing will ever change the cold hard truth. Shane, my Son, my first born. Shane, Cassey & Brittany's big brother. Their protector, their one to look up to, their one to worry about, especially Cassey, you know her she always worried about him. And yes their terrorizer! He was that he was their "Big Brother" and thats what brothers do, aggravate their little sisters . Shane, Chloe', Ashtyn & Addi's Daddy, he is gone.......

Lord knows this has been a hard 2 yrs. So many changes so many adjustments. We've had to learn to go forward even when we didn't want to. You hear all the time life goes on & it does even when you wish it didn't. My mind keeps saying this time 2 yrs ago I didn't know that by later in the night how our life was going to change. And since then our lives have continued to change. Britt has married, Nate & Cassey have had Noah, the kids are getting older. Me & Greg are getting older lol but we just keep going. Thats all we can do. Love each other.

You look around and listen and realize there are so many people walking around in pain and grief, so many walking around with a smile that is not exactly real, more like painted on to make it through whatever is going on in their lives. Just say a prayer for them. And say a prayer for me, Greg, the girls Shanes kids our family. We are all going through this together even though we may not all be here together. Their is a place in our hearts that will be forever empty because we have lost him, that will never be filled. We just have to hold on to what we've got.....each other

Tis The Season

Well its here again, the Holiday Season. The time when people are to be jolly. I dont know about that. Anyone who knows me well know that I dont enjoy the holidays to much because working in retail its all around us so it takes some of the pleasure away. Ive always enjoyed the family part and the kids. Kids truly make the season Merry. But the dreaded date that the girls and I absolutlely hate is coming up the day our lives changed forever. Dec 3, 2009. Some things you never get totally over. Losing Shane is that time. Things will never be the same, nor will we. I was talking to another Mother in the store yesterday, she lost her son about 2wks after Shane in a car wreck. He was her baby boy though he was just over 30. And we were talking about how we have to be thankful for what we do have. And I am truly. Im thankful for my Lord first & foremost. My wonderful husband who has stood by me & loved me from hell & back. My girls who are just amazing to me . I am in awe of them and all they do. Neither one of them are afraid to try anything new. Our grandkids. All 4 of them. They make me smile so much. Each of them are amazing in their on little way. Already little people. Shanes 3 each have some of their Daddy in them. I look at their eyes and see HIM. It makes me happy & sometimes sad. Especially Ashtyn, just his expressions, he looks just like him except for the blond hair.

And there is NOAH!! What a little ball of fire he is. Everything to him is a new adventure. I swear he hasnt been a baby since he was like 2 wks old. I enjoy everything about him.

So anyway, I am very THANKful for what I do have and for who is in my life. My family & my extended family. There are people in my life that even though they dont have the same blood they are my family. And Im thankful for them.

So back to the dreaded date. I have wished it would just pass & it will. I dont know if it will be quiet or with people. We have a invite to go to a big bonfire on that night. I was looking forward to it thought it would be alot of fun until I saw the date. I told Greg maybe it would be best to go be around people not tell them what the date is & try to have fun. It would be better I guess than sitting at home watching the clock for that dreaded time. Which is what I would do. We will see.

Anyway I better get off Addi just got up & shes talking to me & I cant think now, haha! Love these kids.....

School Days

                                                                    Shane's Babies


 Well its been so long since Ive been on here, I forgot that I had started this one and didnt finish it. So it will probably short & sweet. All 3 of Shanes kids are in school now. WOW! Minding blowing. They are not babies anymore. Growing up so fast. When I picked up Chloe' Friday she asked " are we going to get the kids at daycare?" I told her no silly off the bus. And she said oh I forgot they arent little kids anymore they are in school to. 
 They are all doing good. basically. Chloe is having a little trouble in Math & forgetting to turn in her work. Ashtyn does act up in school but not to bad. And Addi, well she is Addi just going along rolling with the flow. Now don't get me wrong she's hardheaded to.
 I am very proud of all 3 of them. 

"The Babies"

Well it's time. The "babies" as we have always called them are going to "BIG" school in a little over a week! I can't believe it! Can't call them babies anymore. Well actually they made me stop quite a while ago, cause they said they weren't babies! Chloe' is going into the 4th gr. Ashtyn kindergarten & Addi in Pre-K. Where does time go?

Nate, Cassey ,Noah & Dezi are moving into their new home right now as I type this. They got the key this afternoon. They are now home owners. Meguell & Britt will be boarding a plane in Africa in just a few hours to come back home to the USA, & Texas. They have been on a mission trip for 2 wks. Three weeks for Meguell. Then the minute they get back they are moving into their new home & new life as host parents to foreign students. 3 boys. Man life changes, doesn't it?

Greg & I have started the add-on to our house. It will take some time but we can do it & it will be so worth it in the end.

Everyone is busy going here and there. Things are changing for us. But one thing remains the same "Shane", you aren't here. So much as changed since we lost you. So many things in our family have changed and will never be the same again. But life goes on...

We miss you Shane so much! You would be so proud of your kids. They each are beautiful. They have really good personalities. I look at them sometimes & my heart kinda swells & aches at the same time because I know you would be so proud of them and also because its sad that you aren't here with them. Thats a question I guess that will never be answered, why you?

You also would be so proud of your sisters. I know you always were proud of them & you would be even more so now because of what they are doing with their lives and how things are going for both of them They to still miss their big brother, so much.

And I know you would be so happy to know that Greg & I are involved in all 3 of your childrens lives.

I miss you more than words can say, Greg is always quick to remind that you are around and you know whats going on. The girls miss you also more than words can say. And you children miss you. It amazes me sometimes what they say. We will always try to keep your memory alive for them We keep your pictures up for them and they do look at those pictures and sometimes talk to you.

Life goes on though its sad that you aren't here. We haven't forgotten you thats for sure. And though life does go on we will always remember you & think of you.

And always Love you.

Time Has Passed

July 2011

Well a lot of time has gone by since the last time I wrote on here. A lot has happened in the last several months, changes in all of us, changes in our family. Things have gone on in our family that if you had told me a year and a half would happen I would never have believed it. We are still trying to come to terms, the girls and I with the fact that Shane is not here. Yes the pain is bearable though at times it still sneaks up and literally punches me in the stomach. But it still doesn't seem right that he is gone. I still struggle with using the statement "Shane died". I usually say he's gone, or when we lost him. It's funny how I didn't really realize that Shane was the peacemaker in our family. I'm talking about the whole family, not the girls & I. Anyone that knows him, it probably makes you chuckle when you think of him as the "peacemaker" because normally the way he went about making peace was usually anything but peaceful. Lol, what can I say, we have always been a loud family. My heart aches because of the things that have gone on I know that Shane & Daddy would be sick if they knew. You know Cassey, Britt and I were talking about how they would feel if they looked down and saw all of this going on, about how they would feel. But when we are in Heaven, do we really look down at our loved ones, see the pain they are in, how they are hurting? Heaven is perfect so I wonder how can they look down and see our imperfections and still be blissfully happy?

Both of my girls are amazing! They both have really good husbands, Cass has Noah to. They are along with their husbands making a good life for themselves and I can not say enough how proud I am of them. They have totally different lives but good lives! I love you girls very much!

I really think I named this blog just right because every time I write I always feel like I'm rambling on and on. Thats one reason I haven't been writing as much because of that.