12 Weeks

Well this thursday 02/25/2010 is the mark of 12wks that Shane has been gone & 6 yrs that my Daddy has been gone. Where does the time go? There have been so many deaths since Shane. A friend from work lost her husband about a month ago then 2 days ago she lost her daughter in law to a yet unexplained incident. Last week my oldest granddaughter lost her 4 yr old cousin and a lady we go to church with lost her 5 mth old daughter. Then there have been several others in our town that have lost loved ones. Is it because I am more aware of it now that I have gone through it or because of technology we now hear more things than in the older days. All I know is I don't like it. It's getting better but then even that comes with guilt! I feel guilty because it is getting better. I don't cry as much then out of the blue BANG!! It hits me. Shane is gone. Not coming back. I got a phone call at work one day & for a split second I get excited cause I think, it's Shane. Kind of like he's been on a trip or something, then it hits me in the gut. No it's not Shane. Then I get uncontrollable tears and I'm at work trying to hold it together.

I picked the kids up today and they are so sweet. And for a minute Addi forgets. She says we are going to see Daddy & Ashtyn tells her " No Addi, remember Daddy is our Angel" yes he really said that to her. The big brother. He's 4 & she's 3. Thats where I have the hardest time. The kids, they shouldn't have to deal with such realities at such a young age. Then there is Chloe' Shane's oldest. She's so sweet. She was talking to me about her lil 4 yr old cousin who died last week. Here she is 7yrs. old & she is having to deal with all this death & so young. She told me she went to see her cousin at the funeral home. She said " I didn't cry I was brave like Moma told me to be" she told me that she was brave when her daddy died.I told her "Chloe' Mommy didn't mean for you to not cry. Crying is an emotion that we all experience when we are sad. It doesn't mean your not brave. You can be brave but still cry". I told her that we have all cried alot, but we are still brave. So you see even for this Moma, I miss my Son so much. But I really ache for his 3 beautiful & precious kids who are going to grow up without their Daddy who loved them SO MUCH! This is what is SO hard. Then there is my girls, Shane's sisters. Cassey & Brittany, they are having to deal with this in their on way, which is harder in a sense because they aren't here all the time, so they aren't used to seeing him all the time. So that means the next time they come home it will be hard all over again because they are used to coming home and going to see Shane & then kids. But I know I have to put my faith in God, even though I don't understand because if I don't keep my faith in him, it will destroy me & I can't let that happen. Not only because of Shane's kids but Noah & any of our future GRANDkids. For my husband, for my girls for our family.

Love & Disbelief

I just finished the book Mistaken Identity by Don & Susie Van Ryn and Newell, Collee & Whitney Cerak. All I can say is Wow the unwavering Faith that both of these families had thru the most horrendous time in a parent's life. It's really amazing to me how they managed to get through everything. You know before this happened with Shane, in any idle conversation you know we all say I don't know how people make it through when they lose a child. Well all I can tell you is AUTOPILOT! It's so hard to keep going but you know you have to. The first few weeks was a fog & still is when I think back to it. I thank God for my family who did so much during this time. Family & friends thats all I know that helped me. No matter how much or even down to sweeping the floors it was all appreciated so much Thank you from the bottom of my heart if I didn't think to say it to you. Thank you.

Anyway the families in this book I could understand how they were feeling. You ask why just as we did,but then you realize that in the grand scheme of things we are no different from anyone else. We always think that stuff like this happen to other families, "Not our family", not "My Son"! We have pictures of him everywhere but there are a couple of me & him on our frig & I look at them and my heart screams No Not SHANE!! I still cannot believe it.

I know Shane knows I love him! I know I was always there for him in this regard I have no regrets. Shane knew I was there for him, he knew if he called me I was there. But now with the passing of time(my mind goes off on it's on) I think I should have seen him more during the week. I should have gone by more that week or the week before & I can't control these thoughts. During the week after I get of work, I am so tired that when I get home I don't like to leave. And Shane knew this, he was like that to. He & I had a conversation about this just a few weeks before the accident. He said he knew he should stop by more in the afternoons but he didn't cause he was tired & ready to go home & I told him," I know Shane, I feel the same way", we all get busy working & with life in general, so I understand, I even told him I know you love me, we kinda laughed. He stayed that day for a long time & just visited. It was good. He was working on the mural at Truman, he was really into that. This was going to be a first for him & he was loving every minute of it. He really had a heart for the kids @ Truman, well I say kids they all aren't kids, some are young adults, but he really wanted to make things better for them....

Well my blog is appropriately called Rambling's of Moma and boy am I rambling on this morning, so I guess I better get off of here & go to work.