<-- this was Shane last year at Treats on the Square.

This is Shane this year at Treats -->

on the Square.

My Year of Heart Breaking Firsts

Everything that I have done this year has totally broke my heart all over again. I still cannot fathom the idea that he is gone. Everything that I have done it's always on my mind that this time last year Shane was here or Shane was doing this. I have always heard that the first year after you lose someone is the hardest because its a year of first, I believe every year will be hard but it is true the year of first without him, hurts. The time has seem to have flown by. Where has it gone? Where is my Son? I will be taking the kids tonight to Treats on the Square, it will be hard because every other time I have ever gone it was with him. My Moma is even having a hard time cause she has said a couple of times "last year I went with Shane". But I will go cause it's for the kids. They still miss their Daddy. Ashtyn told me a couple of weeks ago, : I wish my Daddy was here" all I could say "was I know, me to". So we carry on this year of first without him. His kids have grown so much since last December. Ashtyn is going to be 5 next week, then Addi will be 4 next month & then Chloe' will be 9 in April and life goes on, for some. I know that life can't stop but it sure makes the ones left behind fell guilty. Guilty because my life has gone forward, though much sadder but it has gone forward even though his hasn't. It doesn't seem fair but I have always said that life is not fair. I just never knew how true that statement was until Dec 3, 2009.

So forgive me for sounding a little down. I am but it will pass for a moment or two. Sometimes I feel like a clown, you know they paint on a smile. I will keep painting it on & I pray that one day it will be the real thing. With the Lord, my wonderful Husband, my girls and our most wonderful Grandkids, all 4 of them & my family this is how I make it through this Hell that we are all trying our best to make it though...we will. Losing Shane has left a whole so big in our hearts but thankfully we have such a good family & extended family members. We have lots of love so we will carry on .......

Well it's getting closer to the one year mark, for some reason that hurts so much. Ashtyn turns 5 on Wed. Nov 3rd. We had a party here for him last year. Shane was here but sad to say I didn't get any pictures of him. Maybe a leg or a hip but not one of him or with Ashtyn. We just never know. I went to visit him today. I go 3 or 4 times a month. I never understood people visiting cemetery's. I do now. I go make sure it's clean throw away any old or faded flowers & my heart breaks all over again. I think this is my life now. I can go on, I can function day to day but the sadness is always there. Lurking and sometimes it spills out when I'm least expecting it! I love my girls & I love my GRANDchildren but I always will live with the fact that I have lost my first born, my only Son. It amazes me how it is easier then on the flip side it is so hard. I had a friend tell me that her friend said that learning to live after losing a child is learning to live with a broken heart everyday. I try to remember to be Thankful for what I do have. I have amazing girls. They are the lights of me. I have a totally wonderful husband, & I have a really great family. And GRANDkids "WOW" so that is what I remind myself of. Remind myself to be Thankful for what I do have but sometimes it's hard not question. I do question but there is no answer.

GRAND*CHILDREN

GRANDCHILDREN

Grandkids are truly GRAND!! You go through life hearing all the sayings about how great grandkids are & until you get to this point you don't realize how true it is. But all I can say is I love being a grandparent. As everyone knows Noah is in Japan and growing like a weed. He doesn't realize he is suppose to be a baby. no not him, he just went headlong into this growing up thing at lightening speed. I think after the first month he left infancy behind. But thank the Lord for modern technology! Since we can Skype on a regular basis he knows who we are & the other GRANDkids remember Aunt Cassey & Uncle Nathan and they get to talk to Noah so it's almost like they don't live out of the country.

Then there is Shane's 3 kids. what can I say? They lost there Daddy & it makes me so sad & so mad to, that they lost their Daddy, who was a hands on Dad & who wanted to be involved in their lives totally & completely, and he loved them so much, then their are other men out there who have nothing to do with their kids. It doesn't make sense. But life is full of questions & why's so I guess we will never know.

The my husband Greg. What can I say about him except,he is awesome!! You know you don't have to have the same blood running through you to be family! He completely loves all of our GRANDkids without fault! He has stepped up to the plate in SO many ways with our kids & GRANDkids! Folks who know us well know exactly what I'm talking about. He is a rock to me, the kids & GRANDkids! The grandkids are crazy about him & the feelings are mutual. So anyway he truly is amazing to me. Our life you could say has not really gone quite like we thought. When we lost Shane it totally & completely changed the course of our life! In some ways we will never be the same again! When it happened I wanted to curl up & die, and there are some days it still feels so fresh that the overwhelming feelings come back full force, but in other ways life is good. Looking at the GRANDkids sure help. Seeing my girls and watching their lives with their husbands help. They are both happy and grounded and even though they are still hurting as we are they have to go on to. The place in our heart for Shane will always be there & the pain of his loss will always be there but we must go on, one day at a time.

there is a saying that I've heard a lot lately that is so true, I hope I don't mess it up.

It's not the breaths that you take in your lifetime, but the moments that take your breath away that matters......

This is so true. So life is not guaranteed to always be happy, this I have learned, but you have to keep on rolling through your life and try to be happy.

Anyway these are a few of my thoughts for today. Oh and Cassey will be 27 tomorrow! Where has the time gone?

September 3

Today is Sept 3rd. It's been 9 mths now since life as we knew was changed forever. It's still so hard. The kids are still missing him and thinking of him. Ashtyn or Addi will say something out of the blue. Especially Ashtyn and he remembers so vividly. its amazing really. It's so sad to me that they tell people "My Daddy died". But they say it and it's the truth so......

I took Shane some new fall color flowers yesterday and removed some of the other faded flowers, it's so sad. I used to take him toilet paper or paper towels and maybe help him pick up around his house. But now I'm taking him flowers to the cemetery and picking up little bits and pieces of stuff around his grave. It's not fair! I know life's not fair but with so many bad people running around why my son? I know he was not without fault, ha! We all know he made some bad choices in his life but for his kids he settled down worked and took care of them loved them so completely, it just doesn't make since, but it never will so here we go, Life we keep on and make the best of it and try to live it for him, if he can't be here then we will carry on. Take care of his kids, love them and love the life we have, even if the smile is sometimes just a fraud..... but sometimes they are genuine.....

Just Rambling

Well here I am, it's almost the 9mth mark. The 3rd will be. Some days I think I've got this handled then next thing I know, I'm going down the road boo~hooing like a baby. I can't believe it's already 9mths. Where has the time gone? The kids are doing ok I guess. Who knows they are little. One day Addi told me her Daddy was in Heaven asleep, I want him to wake up now. So I have to tell her, you know Daddy cannot wake up. Then last week Ashtyn asked his Mommy if they could crash the car & die so they can go see Daddy. Now thats sad! She gave him a very good answer, she told him they couldn't & Daddy was in Heaven with Jesus cause he was real good at doing some things & Jesus needed his help. Chloe' I don't know, she doesn't like to talk about him, she says it's easier for her to not talk about him. I don't get to see her as much( thats another story) so I assume she's doing well. She did real good last year at school ended the school year with good grades.

Cassey, Nate & Noah are doing really well. Noah is growing like a weed & so smart, he doesn't realize he's a baby I think, he started schooching & crawling at 4 mths old.

Britt & Meguell are doing well, happily married. working & going to school. They are very happy so for this I'm thankful.

So life goes on the,some days are good and other's are well...what can I say? Just that some days I feel really really old. And today is one of them so.... tomorrow is another day & hopefully a better day.

So though things have been hard the last few mths I still have so much to be Thankful for. I still have my girls. I have a fantastic husband who has really stepped up to the plate in so many ways, who has really been wonderful though all of this.Who has loved me even when I feel unlovable, untouchable and unconsolable. I have a wonderful family and GRANDkids who I adore, so I'm Thankful. I'm loved , what more could I ask for except for my Son but thats not a possibility, so I just keep on , keep'n on..............

June 30, 2010

Well here it is. Shane's 30th birthday, I guess I'm supposed to be saying would have been his 30th. I still talk in the present tense. I haven't gotten to the point where I can talk about him in the past tense yet. This is such a hard day. I am home today with Chloe' she makes this day easier cause as a child she is happy. She's been making her daddy a cookie cake for his birthday. Yea you read right making him a cake. This is what she wants to do. We went to eat lunch at La Finca for his birthday because he likes their food. We are fixing to pick the little ones up from daycare, she's really excited to see them. Then we are going to see Daddy, take him his cake and the kids are going to release birthday balloons for him. Send them right up to Heaven so he will get them. I know this all sounds a little weird but this is what Chloe' wants to do for Daddy's birthday so even though it's hard we will do it. Whatever makes it easiest for her & the little ones we will do. If I had my way I would just kinda hole up here in the house and let the day go by. But Miss Chloe' has other ideas! I cannot wait for this day to pass! I know all the pain will still be but it won't be a constant reminder. This morning was filled with memories and tears but thats ok. its part of the process.

I've had alot of nice messages. Text & FaceBook and I really appreciate everyone kindness.

Well I'm off of here for now. Gonna go snuggle a little with Chloe' then we will pick the little ones up and have a "fun" afternoon.

Until next time.....

Well we just pasted another first. The kids first Father's Day without their Daddy. It's really sad that Shane who loved his kids so much will only be a memory to them! Chloe' is older so she will have more memories that won't be quite as faded as the 2 little ones. Of course this Father's Day was harder on me & the girls than i think the kids. The weekend before Father's Day we bought flowers for the kids to "take" to Daddy cause I had all 3 of them. I knew Chloe' was going to be with her Mom so we took them then. Then Sunday we took the little ones back and they took him each a single silk rose. As we get there the kids say Daddy & go running to the headstone, and as our heart breaks we watch them lay their flower down then their done. They go running off as Greg & I stand there. Then Greg (he is such a good man!) goes off with the kids and lets me have a few minutes with Shane alone.

Then next week we will have another first, Shane's b~day. He would have been 30 on the 30th.

I am dreading it so bad! Chloe' wants to make a cookie cake for Daddy, so we are. I've made arrangements with her Mom to let her come and spend the night. We will make him a cake and take it to him. I know this sounds weird but it's what Chloe' wants to do so we will, it makes it a little easier for her I believe to do this. When she was selling Girl Scout cookies she had her Mommy take her up there to take him his favorite cookie. They had cookies there then left the box. it's still there. It is her way of grieving I think to do this so if it helps then this is how its done. We will release balloons for him also on his birthday.

So 6mths has gone by some ways it's getting easier then in alot of ways it's almost harder. I don't know why but I guess it's all a part of the process.

Cassey is coming home in about 3 wks. It's her first time home since this all happened. it will be hard for her I know cause she should be introducing Noah to Uncle Shane. Noah has such a great personna about him already Shane would have loved him! But with the help of the Lord above, we will keep on......

I just wanted to update everyone and ask you to continue to keep our family in your prayers. its been 6 mths but in someways it seems like yesterday.