12 Weeks

Well this thursday 02/25/2010 is the mark of 12wks that Shane has been gone & 6 yrs that my Daddy has been gone. Where does the time go? There have been so many deaths since Shane. A friend from work lost her husband about a month ago then 2 days ago she lost her daughter in law to a yet unexplained incident. Last week my oldest granddaughter lost her 4 yr old cousin and a lady we go to church with lost her 5 mth old daughter. Then there have been several others in our town that have lost loved ones. Is it because I am more aware of it now that I have gone through it or because of technology we now hear more things than in the older days. All I know is I don't like it. It's getting better but then even that comes with guilt! I feel guilty because it is getting better. I don't cry as much then out of the blue BANG!! It hits me. Shane is gone. Not coming back. I got a phone call at work one day & for a split second I get excited cause I think, it's Shane. Kind of like he's been on a trip or something, then it hits me in the gut. No it's not Shane. Then I get uncontrollable tears and I'm at work trying to hold it together.

I picked the kids up today and they are so sweet. And for a minute Addi forgets. She says we are going to see Daddy & Ashtyn tells her " No Addi, remember Daddy is our Angel" yes he really said that to her. The big brother. He's 4 & she's 3. Thats where I have the hardest time. The kids, they shouldn't have to deal with such realities at such a young age. Then there is Chloe' Shane's oldest. She's so sweet. She was talking to me about her lil 4 yr old cousin who died last week. Here she is 7yrs. old & she is having to deal with all this death & so young. She told me she went to see her cousin at the funeral home. She said " I didn't cry I was brave like Moma told me to be" she told me that she was brave when her daddy died.I told her "Chloe' Mommy didn't mean for you to not cry. Crying is an emotion that we all experience when we are sad. It doesn't mean your not brave. You can be brave but still cry". I told her that we have all cried alot, but we are still brave. So you see even for this Moma, I miss my Son so much. But I really ache for his 3 beautiful & precious kids who are going to grow up without their Daddy who loved them SO MUCH! This is what is SO hard. Then there is my girls, Shane's sisters. Cassey & Brittany, they are having to deal with this in their on way, which is harder in a sense because they aren't here all the time, so they aren't used to seeing him all the time. So that means the next time they come home it will be hard all over again because they are used to coming home and going to see Shane & then kids. But I know I have to put my faith in God, even though I don't understand because if I don't keep my faith in him, it will destroy me & I can't let that happen. Not only because of Shane's kids but Noah & any of our future GRANDkids. For my husband, for my girls for our family.

Love & Disbelief

I just finished the book Mistaken Identity by Don & Susie Van Ryn and Newell, Collee & Whitney Cerak. All I can say is Wow the unwavering Faith that both of these families had thru the most horrendous time in a parent's life. It's really amazing to me how they managed to get through everything. You know before this happened with Shane, in any idle conversation you know we all say I don't know how people make it through when they lose a child. Well all I can tell you is AUTOPILOT! It's so hard to keep going but you know you have to. The first few weeks was a fog & still is when I think back to it. I thank God for my family who did so much during this time. Family & friends thats all I know that helped me. No matter how much or even down to sweeping the floors it was all appreciated so much Thank you from the bottom of my heart if I didn't think to say it to you. Thank you.

Anyway the families in this book I could understand how they were feeling. You ask why just as we did,but then you realize that in the grand scheme of things we are no different from anyone else. We always think that stuff like this happen to other families, "Not our family", not "My Son"! We have pictures of him everywhere but there are a couple of me & him on our frig & I look at them and my heart screams No Not SHANE!! I still cannot believe it.

I know Shane knows I love him! I know I was always there for him in this regard I have no regrets. Shane knew I was there for him, he knew if he called me I was there. But now with the passing of time(my mind goes off on it's on) I think I should have seen him more during the week. I should have gone by more that week or the week before & I can't control these thoughts. During the week after I get of work, I am so tired that when I get home I don't like to leave. And Shane knew this, he was like that to. He & I had a conversation about this just a few weeks before the accident. He said he knew he should stop by more in the afternoons but he didn't cause he was tired & ready to go home & I told him," I know Shane, I feel the same way", we all get busy working & with life in general, so I understand, I even told him I know you love me, we kinda laughed. He stayed that day for a long time & just visited. It was good. He was working on the mural at Truman, he was really into that. This was going to be a first for him & he was loving every minute of it. He really had a heart for the kids @ Truman, well I say kids they all aren't kids, some are young adults, but he really wanted to make things better for them....

Well my blog is appropriately called Rambling's of Moma and boy am I rambling on this morning, so I guess I better get off of here & go to work.

Life is not fair

How do you tell a 3 yr old they can't have their DADDY? Or explain to 3 little kids that DADDY'S house isn't their's anymore? or God love them, have their 7 yr old sister reading a childs book to them that explains about death to a little child. Chloe' took it upon herself in the car to read the book to them. She told me, " if I read it to them a couple of times maybe it will help them to understand that Daddy is an Angel", I ask her do you understand this Chloe' & she said yes. I believe her to, she seems so grown up about this. I guess thats the good thing about the age she is or the bad thing however you look at it. I don't believe I have seen her cry. The day I took her to see his headstone her eyes did get a little watery when we left. She is such a good big sister to them. Addi was adament yesterday that she wanted her daddy, I ended up in tears & bless my husbands heart he had to be the buffer, he took it from me & got Addi thinking about something else. We usually let them talk about Shane & we don't shy away from bringing him up & telling them that Daddy loves them & always will be with them but yesterday was different. I've always been the first to say that life is not fair but it's really not fair when you have to tell 3 young children that Daddy is gone....and they are all so loving, it really breaks my heart when I think of it. I try not to though. We both just love on them. Shower them with hugs & kisses. They are just so sweet. And Ashtyn is already his little sister's protecter. We took them to church today & when time came to take them to childrens church I took Addi to her room & asked Ashtyn if he wanted to go to the other room with kids his age & he said" No I have to stay with sister".

I try to imagine years down the road without Shane and even now at going on 9wks this week I can't. It's like I'm still waiting....

Grief, it's different for everyone.

Well last night 01/26/2010, I went to Tyler with a couple of friends from work to sit with another friend who is there with her husband of over 30 yrs who the doctors say will not last another 24 to 48 hrs. My heart goes out to her so much. I know her pain & grief. It's amazing how I could do that and remain steady dried eyed and normal. The human mind is puzzle. I hurt for her. I understand somewhat but I realized her grief is so different from mine. She is losing her soul mate, her companion, her best friend. She is losing her life long love. All I could say is I understand, but do I ? No, I think not, just as she can kind of understand my grief but not the full extent of it. So as I sit with her and our other friends I realized that all we can do is be there for her & one another. Love, Live & Forgive. Just as the Lord tell us. There are no promises that life is going to be easy. And as my family as learned life is full of pain, but we have each other, we have the Lord even though we may be somewhat shakey in our faith ( well some of us) we know he is in control, even if we don't understand or can't figure out why we just keep going. And this is my thoughts and this wednesday morning, the day before the 8 wks mark.....

The final piece of this nightmare

Well here it is the final piece of this nightmare that makes it SO real!! It is truly a beautiful headstone. Picked out & designed by his Dad, myself & the girls. It is really a beautiful tribute to Shane, the true & real Shane...aka Daddy. This is where Shane was so prosperous. He may not have had alot of money in the bank & he may not have had alot of material things but he had his children & his family! He loved his kids with his whole being. His concern was always that his kids be taken care of not his self. He even told us not to buy anything for him at Christmas, just buy for his kids. And he loved his family completely! He was so proud of his sister's. I'm not sure if he ever told them but he told me.

Are we still struggling? Yes very much so! He is the last thing on my mind at night & the first thing in the morning before I open my eyes.

People ask if you are doing ok, yes you tell them what else are you suppose to say? " NO MY SON IS DEAD"? But you don't say that you carry on day to day & try to find some normal in the day.

I seem to live for the next time the GRANDkids are here even though it tires me out so, but they are what makes it easier. And my girls I talk to both of them every day & that help so much even if its a Hi I love you but gotta go. Thats ok, cause thats normal. It seems the normal helps.

Shane's dad got a lady in town that paints on the windows of the business's in town to finish his mural at Truman, I've seen pictures that was forwarded to my phone but I haven't seen it yet myself. From what I heard she did it in memory to Shane, she wouldn't let him pay her. This is so sweet. I hope to meet her one day.

You know they say that the first year is the hardest because you experience all the first without your loved one. Well I've already started going thru that. A couple weeks ago I took them to Chuck E Cheese & the last time we were there Shane was with us. Tomorrow we go to Kids Station for Cameron's birthday the last time we were there was the day Cassey left for Japan, the last time she saw him, but I can't not go because of that! Then that would be the first step to not living if I hid away in the house & didn't take the kids to these activities, it would not be fair to them & I will not do that to them.

So how am I? Better to be honest, but it still is SO hard. I still cannot believe that Shane is gone....but we continue everyday... living.... for his memory, for his kids, for ourselves.

Just remember to love & cherish your family & friends don't let trivial things get in the way cause you never know when the last time you speak to them may well be the last time. Love one another

Life Goes On....

Life goes on even if we don't want it to. Its now 6 wks tonight. I've decided that I hate Thursday's! I know it's just another day but this is the day that our life changed so drastically! I along with the girls keep waiting for it to get a little better... but it's not. Not yet anyway. Last Friday when I picked up the kids, Ashtyn told me he hasn't seen his Daddy in a really long time, what do you say? I just said "I know baby" Then he went on to tell me that his "Daddy is an angel looking down at him". It seems his Mom is doing a really good job of explaining it to him & this I am so thankful for, I know he probably really doesn't understand but it helps him to have it explained to him over & over. Addi just talks about "Daddy died, he was in a wreck" & Chloe' really doesn't talk about it much. Now when a song came on the radio she told me "that was my Daddy's favorite song. I had someone tell me the other day that a lady, I think one of the teacher's told her that Shane was so involved in Chloe's school activities, she said when they had something Shane was always there. This I know to be true but as his Mom I am so glad the people saw this. He always went to her school at Halloween & helped her with the pumpkin carving contest. I hope & pray that Chloe' will remember this.

Well on a bright note Shane's cousin Craig who he has always been close to, like brother's, they are 11 days apart, he just had his 1st child last night! A little boy. His first little boy & he is Shane's namesake, Rylan Shane Magness. This would make Shane so happy as it will in March, when Cassey & Nate have their first child also a boy and he to will be Shane's namesake, Noah Jeffery Shaw. So even though we are having a really hard time as a family we are having happy times. It's hard but it's good. Precious babies can make even the saddest heart happy.

So our family is trudging along trying to make it through the deep bitter grief but we are so Thankful for the arrival of a healthy baby Rylan Shane. I know in my heart God is in control, it's hard to understand. I don't understand WHY but I just keep waiting. We have people still praying for us & for this I am so thankful because those prayers are the only thing helping me & my family through this.

To Mom's Who Have Lost a Child

___________________________ _________________________ To All Mom's Who Have Lost A Child..... I am wearing a pair of shoes. They are ugly shoes. Uncomfortable shoes. I hate my shoes. Each day I wear them and each day I wish I had another pair. Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step. Yet I continue to wear them. I get funny looks wearing these shoes. They are looks of sympathy. I can tell in others eyes They are glad my shoes are not theirs. They never talk about my shoes. To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable. To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them, But, once you put them on, You can never take them off. I now realize I am not The only one who wears these shoes. There are many pairs in this world. Some women ache daily as they try and walk in them. Some have learned how to walk in them so they dont hurt quit as much. Some have worn the shoes so long that days go by before they think about how much they hurt. No woman deserves to wear these shoes. Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman. These shoes have given me the strength to face anything. They have made me who I am today. I will walk in the shoes of a woman.... who has lost a child.