Tick~Tock

Tic toc, tic toc, there is the timer going on in my head & my heart. Here it is Nov 27, 2010. The saturday after Thanksgiving. Last year on this Saturday we were all happy. By now we were finished with Britt and Meguell's wedding shower. We were all so happy though Cassey wasn't with us they had a really great shower. And to top it off Shane & Brian dressed up as girls totally down to the pink toe nails, dresses, boobs the whole thing and busted in on the shower. We all loved it! Shane was at such a happy time in his life at this point. Happier than he had been in quite a while. Little did we know that the clock was running. That in less than a week our happiness was to be shattered. Tic toc, tic toc.....

Everything in this last year has been compared to the year before. When Shane was with us. So much has changed, we have all changed and I honestly don't know if we will ever be the same again. So much since that hellish night has gone on. Brittany got married, Noah was born, Brittany graduated from college. Shane's children have grown so much, somehow among all of this we have continued to go on. Though at times it seemed impossible. I remember the feeling of wondering how everyones lives continue to go on when ours had crumbled around us. I have been to more funerals in the past 12mths than I have my entire life! Mrs Molly so sweet & kind, such an example of what a true Christian is went to Heaven with her family about 2 wks ago. Then Elisha who sat right behind me, we chit chatted as we did at the Yamboree, she died last week so strange that 2 wks after Molly passed that Im sitting in the same pew at the same funeral home saying goodbye to Elisha. We all went to church together . Our kids grew up together for many years. And Cindy & Larry are going through the same thing. She also has 3 children who will have to learn to live without their parent. I remember last year thinking how can it be that last week we were at Britt's shower and this week Shane is DEAD? Last week we were having so much fun and SO MUCH LAUGHTER and this week SO MANY TEARS? Last week were were laughing and joking this week we are picking out Shane's casket??? This is not right. None of it is. I'm not right in so many ways and wonder, will I ever be?

Tic toc, the time is fast approaching to the 1 year anniversary and I cannot stand this feeling I have inside, like I'm about to explode! I can't stand it. So I turn in to myself so maybe it will pass. They always say the first year is the hardest because its the year were every thing you do, you do without your loved one. On one hand I cannot believe a year has already passed, on the other I'm angry cause it has passed so fast! I can't wait for the month of December to pass. Hurry hurry tic toc, tic toc...........

Thursday How I Hate You








Well here it is another Thursday Night. I'm watching Grey's Anatomy & fixing to watch Private Practice. I'm sweeping mopping all those not so fun things, the same thing I was doing last year on Dec 3, 2009 when life as I knew it was turned upside down. This has been the absolute worst year in my life. At this time it is easier, but no.... it's not. I feel at times like everything is spiraling. Ashtyn's hand was hurting from burning it last weekend & he was crying then said "I wish my Daddy was here cause he always put bandaids on my boo~boo's" all I could say was I know he would. You want me to put one on it? This is not fair! Where is the sense in all of it? But don't get me wrong here because children are so strong. They do miss him, so much but on the flip side they're growing & happy. Ashtyn has his moments but all in all they are adjusting pretty well, I think I mean what the hell do I know? I didn't ask for this anymore than his 3 kids did. I never know what Chloe' is thinking cause she doesn't like to talk about him, but I do know that when she comes over she is SO happy to be with us.She's glad to see the little ones & they are so glad to see her. Addi was looking at our pictures on the fridge, I thought she was gonna say something about her Daddy but this time it was Chloe' she told me " I wish my Sissy was here".


So anyway the 1 year anniversary is coming up and I can tell you the first year is pure hell. One minute its kinda ok then the next it's not. You know as we go through life we have family and/or friends that lose a loved one, we are sorry for their loss and when its a family member we feel the pain also but I can tell you until you experience it yourself you have no idea what it's like, you think you do but Im telling you , you don't. I had a friend that lost her daughter years ago in a accident. 6 yrs ago Susie lost Kinsey in a accident, I was one of those that sympathized for their loss, but I did not know the depth of it. I am angry sometimes that this year is almost over. Guilty even that I have survived this year. Everything is marked by this time last year he was here with us and so on. People ask how you doing? You ok? You just tell them yes. Lot's of time it may be true but lots of times it's not, but people don't really want to know that, I know they care but they really dont want to know that sometimes you feel as if your losing control or that your heart screams from the loss of your child, your first born & only Son.


Okay sorry I'm just going on. I really am ok but it's thursday and it's almost a year, it's been a hellish week so I'm just rambling on.


On a happier note, I just love being a Gammy. When Ashtyn looked at me this morning and told me he loved me so, so much it is the best. Or when Addi comes in after waking up & her beautiful hair is everwhere and climbs in my lap, its amazing. Then when Chloe' is here she gives me her bashful hugs and gives me that beautiful smile, I totally love it! Then there is Mr Noah. Sweet Noah who is only 7 1/2 mths but he thinks he's 2! I get to visit him on Skype and when he see's me he smiles just so bright! He is such a happy baby! Cass & Nate are great parents.


And let me not forget Brittany & Meguell, they are just starting out but they are doing great. I am proud of them. They are young but yet so mature. So as hard as things have been & can be, I have so much to truly be thankful for. And I am. And then there is my wonderful Greg. What a wonderful man he is. He has been my strength & my rock. He loves the girls & the grandkids without fault. He is amazing. So see even though I get down, it's like the Lord reminds me that though life is hard I do still have so much to be Thankful for. And I am........

<-- this was Shane last year at Treats on the Square.

This is Shane this year at Treats -->

on the Square.

My Year of Heart Breaking Firsts

Everything that I have done this year has totally broke my heart all over again. I still cannot fathom the idea that he is gone. Everything that I have done it's always on my mind that this time last year Shane was here or Shane was doing this. I have always heard that the first year after you lose someone is the hardest because its a year of first, I believe every year will be hard but it is true the year of first without him, hurts. The time has seem to have flown by. Where has it gone? Where is my Son? I will be taking the kids tonight to Treats on the Square, it will be hard because every other time I have ever gone it was with him. My Moma is even having a hard time cause she has said a couple of times "last year I went with Shane". But I will go cause it's for the kids. They still miss their Daddy. Ashtyn told me a couple of weeks ago, : I wish my Daddy was here" all I could say "was I know, me to". So we carry on this year of first without him. His kids have grown so much since last December. Ashtyn is going to be 5 next week, then Addi will be 4 next month & then Chloe' will be 9 in April and life goes on, for some. I know that life can't stop but it sure makes the ones left behind fell guilty. Guilty because my life has gone forward, though much sadder but it has gone forward even though his hasn't. It doesn't seem fair but I have always said that life is not fair. I just never knew how true that statement was until Dec 3, 2009.

So forgive me for sounding a little down. I am but it will pass for a moment or two. Sometimes I feel like a clown, you know they paint on a smile. I will keep painting it on & I pray that one day it will be the real thing. With the Lord, my wonderful Husband, my girls and our most wonderful Grandkids, all 4 of them & my family this is how I make it through this Hell that we are all trying our best to make it though...we will. Losing Shane has left a whole so big in our hearts but thankfully we have such a good family & extended family members. We have lots of love so we will carry on .......

Well it's getting closer to the one year mark, for some reason that hurts so much. Ashtyn turns 5 on Wed. Nov 3rd. We had a party here for him last year. Shane was here but sad to say I didn't get any pictures of him. Maybe a leg or a hip but not one of him or with Ashtyn. We just never know. I went to visit him today. I go 3 or 4 times a month. I never understood people visiting cemetery's. I do now. I go make sure it's clean throw away any old or faded flowers & my heart breaks all over again. I think this is my life now. I can go on, I can function day to day but the sadness is always there. Lurking and sometimes it spills out when I'm least expecting it! I love my girls & I love my GRANDchildren but I always will live with the fact that I have lost my first born, my only Son. It amazes me how it is easier then on the flip side it is so hard. I had a friend tell me that her friend said that learning to live after losing a child is learning to live with a broken heart everyday. I try to remember to be Thankful for what I do have. I have amazing girls. They are the lights of me. I have a totally wonderful husband, & I have a really great family. And GRANDkids "WOW" so that is what I remind myself of. Remind myself to be Thankful for what I do have but sometimes it's hard not question. I do question but there is no answer.

GRAND*CHILDREN

GRANDCHILDREN

Grandkids are truly GRAND!! You go through life hearing all the sayings about how great grandkids are & until you get to this point you don't realize how true it is. But all I can say is I love being a grandparent. As everyone knows Noah is in Japan and growing like a weed. He doesn't realize he is suppose to be a baby. no not him, he just went headlong into this growing up thing at lightening speed. I think after the first month he left infancy behind. But thank the Lord for modern technology! Since we can Skype on a regular basis he knows who we are & the other GRANDkids remember Aunt Cassey & Uncle Nathan and they get to talk to Noah so it's almost like they don't live out of the country.

Then there is Shane's 3 kids. what can I say? They lost there Daddy & it makes me so sad & so mad to, that they lost their Daddy, who was a hands on Dad & who wanted to be involved in their lives totally & completely, and he loved them so much, then their are other men out there who have nothing to do with their kids. It doesn't make sense. But life is full of questions & why's so I guess we will never know.

The my husband Greg. What can I say about him except,he is awesome!! You know you don't have to have the same blood running through you to be family! He completely loves all of our GRANDkids without fault! He has stepped up to the plate in SO many ways with our kids & GRANDkids! Folks who know us well know exactly what I'm talking about. He is a rock to me, the kids & GRANDkids! The grandkids are crazy about him & the feelings are mutual. So anyway he truly is amazing to me. Our life you could say has not really gone quite like we thought. When we lost Shane it totally & completely changed the course of our life! In some ways we will never be the same again! When it happened I wanted to curl up & die, and there are some days it still feels so fresh that the overwhelming feelings come back full force, but in other ways life is good. Looking at the GRANDkids sure help. Seeing my girls and watching their lives with their husbands help. They are both happy and grounded and even though they are still hurting as we are they have to go on to. The place in our heart for Shane will always be there & the pain of his loss will always be there but we must go on, one day at a time.

there is a saying that I've heard a lot lately that is so true, I hope I don't mess it up.

It's not the breaths that you take in your lifetime, but the moments that take your breath away that matters......

This is so true. So life is not guaranteed to always be happy, this I have learned, but you have to keep on rolling through your life and try to be happy.

Anyway these are a few of my thoughts for today. Oh and Cassey will be 27 tomorrow! Where has the time gone?

September 3

Today is Sept 3rd. It's been 9 mths now since life as we knew was changed forever. It's still so hard. The kids are still missing him and thinking of him. Ashtyn or Addi will say something out of the blue. Especially Ashtyn and he remembers so vividly. its amazing really. It's so sad to me that they tell people "My Daddy died". But they say it and it's the truth so......

I took Shane some new fall color flowers yesterday and removed some of the other faded flowers, it's so sad. I used to take him toilet paper or paper towels and maybe help him pick up around his house. But now I'm taking him flowers to the cemetery and picking up little bits and pieces of stuff around his grave. It's not fair! I know life's not fair but with so many bad people running around why my son? I know he was not without fault, ha! We all know he made some bad choices in his life but for his kids he settled down worked and took care of them loved them so completely, it just doesn't make since, but it never will so here we go, Life we keep on and make the best of it and try to live it for him, if he can't be here then we will carry on. Take care of his kids, love them and love the life we have, even if the smile is sometimes just a fraud..... but sometimes they are genuine.....

Just Rambling

Well here I am, it's almost the 9mth mark. The 3rd will be. Some days I think I've got this handled then next thing I know, I'm going down the road boo~hooing like a baby. I can't believe it's already 9mths. Where has the time gone? The kids are doing ok I guess. Who knows they are little. One day Addi told me her Daddy was in Heaven asleep, I want him to wake up now. So I have to tell her, you know Daddy cannot wake up. Then last week Ashtyn asked his Mommy if they could crash the car & die so they can go see Daddy. Now thats sad! She gave him a very good answer, she told him they couldn't & Daddy was in Heaven with Jesus cause he was real good at doing some things & Jesus needed his help. Chloe' I don't know, she doesn't like to talk about him, she says it's easier for her to not talk about him. I don't get to see her as much( thats another story) so I assume she's doing well. She did real good last year at school ended the school year with good grades.

Cassey, Nate & Noah are doing really well. Noah is growing like a weed & so smart, he doesn't realize he's a baby I think, he started schooching & crawling at 4 mths old.

Britt & Meguell are doing well, happily married. working & going to school. They are very happy so for this I'm thankful.

So life goes on the,some days are good and other's are well...what can I say? Just that some days I feel really really old. And today is one of them so.... tomorrow is another day & hopefully a better day.

So though things have been hard the last few mths I still have so much to be Thankful for. I still have my girls. I have a fantastic husband who has really stepped up to the plate in so many ways, who has really been wonderful though all of this.Who has loved me even when I feel unlovable, untouchable and unconsolable. I have a wonderful family and GRANDkids who I adore, so I'm Thankful. I'm loved , what more could I ask for except for my Son but thats not a possibility, so I just keep on , keep'n on..............