September 3

Today is Sept 3rd. It's been 9 mths now since life as we knew was changed forever. It's still so hard. The kids are still missing him and thinking of him. Ashtyn or Addi will say something out of the blue. Especially Ashtyn and he remembers so vividly. its amazing really. It's so sad to me that they tell people "My Daddy died". But they say it and it's the truth so......

I took Shane some new fall color flowers yesterday and removed some of the other faded flowers, it's so sad. I used to take him toilet paper or paper towels and maybe help him pick up around his house. But now I'm taking him flowers to the cemetery and picking up little bits and pieces of stuff around his grave. It's not fair! I know life's not fair but with so many bad people running around why my son? I know he was not without fault, ha! We all know he made some bad choices in his life but for his kids he settled down worked and took care of them loved them so completely, it just doesn't make since, but it never will so here we go, Life we keep on and make the best of it and try to live it for him, if he can't be here then we will carry on. Take care of his kids, love them and love the life we have, even if the smile is sometimes just a fraud..... but sometimes they are genuine.....

Just Rambling

Well here I am, it's almost the 9mth mark. The 3rd will be. Some days I think I've got this handled then next thing I know, I'm going down the road boo~hooing like a baby. I can't believe it's already 9mths. Where has the time gone? The kids are doing ok I guess. Who knows they are little. One day Addi told me her Daddy was in Heaven asleep, I want him to wake up now. So I have to tell her, you know Daddy cannot wake up. Then last week Ashtyn asked his Mommy if they could crash the car & die so they can go see Daddy. Now thats sad! She gave him a very good answer, she told him they couldn't & Daddy was in Heaven with Jesus cause he was real good at doing some things & Jesus needed his help. Chloe' I don't know, she doesn't like to talk about him, she says it's easier for her to not talk about him. I don't get to see her as much( thats another story) so I assume she's doing well. She did real good last year at school ended the school year with good grades.

Cassey, Nate & Noah are doing really well. Noah is growing like a weed & so smart, he doesn't realize he's a baby I think, he started schooching & crawling at 4 mths old.

Britt & Meguell are doing well, happily married. working & going to school. They are very happy so for this I'm thankful.

So life goes on the,some days are good and other's are well...what can I say? Just that some days I feel really really old. And today is one of them so.... tomorrow is another day & hopefully a better day.

So though things have been hard the last few mths I still have so much to be Thankful for. I still have my girls. I have a fantastic husband who has really stepped up to the plate in so many ways, who has really been wonderful though all of this.Who has loved me even when I feel unlovable, untouchable and unconsolable. I have a wonderful family and GRANDkids who I adore, so I'm Thankful. I'm loved , what more could I ask for except for my Son but thats not a possibility, so I just keep on , keep'n on..............

June 30, 2010

Well here it is. Shane's 30th birthday, I guess I'm supposed to be saying would have been his 30th. I still talk in the present tense. I haven't gotten to the point where I can talk about him in the past tense yet. This is such a hard day. I am home today with Chloe' she makes this day easier cause as a child she is happy. She's been making her daddy a cookie cake for his birthday. Yea you read right making him a cake. This is what she wants to do. We went to eat lunch at La Finca for his birthday because he likes their food. We are fixing to pick the little ones up from daycare, she's really excited to see them. Then we are going to see Daddy, take him his cake and the kids are going to release birthday balloons for him. Send them right up to Heaven so he will get them. I know this all sounds a little weird but this is what Chloe' wants to do for Daddy's birthday so even though it's hard we will do it. Whatever makes it easiest for her & the little ones we will do. If I had my way I would just kinda hole up here in the house and let the day go by. But Miss Chloe' has other ideas! I cannot wait for this day to pass! I know all the pain will still be but it won't be a constant reminder. This morning was filled with memories and tears but thats ok. its part of the process.

I've had alot of nice messages. Text & FaceBook and I really appreciate everyone kindness.

Well I'm off of here for now. Gonna go snuggle a little with Chloe' then we will pick the little ones up and have a "fun" afternoon.

Until next time.....

Well we just pasted another first. The kids first Father's Day without their Daddy. It's really sad that Shane who loved his kids so much will only be a memory to them! Chloe' is older so she will have more memories that won't be quite as faded as the 2 little ones. Of course this Father's Day was harder on me & the girls than i think the kids. The weekend before Father's Day we bought flowers for the kids to "take" to Daddy cause I had all 3 of them. I knew Chloe' was going to be with her Mom so we took them then. Then Sunday we took the little ones back and they took him each a single silk rose. As we get there the kids say Daddy & go running to the headstone, and as our heart breaks we watch them lay their flower down then their done. They go running off as Greg & I stand there. Then Greg (he is such a good man!) goes off with the kids and lets me have a few minutes with Shane alone.

Then next week we will have another first, Shane's b~day. He would have been 30 on the 30th.

I am dreading it so bad! Chloe' wants to make a cookie cake for Daddy, so we are. I've made arrangements with her Mom to let her come and spend the night. We will make him a cake and take it to him. I know this sounds weird but it's what Chloe' wants to do so we will, it makes it a little easier for her I believe to do this. When she was selling Girl Scout cookies she had her Mommy take her up there to take him his favorite cookie. They had cookies there then left the box. it's still there. It is her way of grieving I think to do this so if it helps then this is how its done. We will release balloons for him also on his birthday.

So 6mths has gone by some ways it's getting easier then in alot of ways it's almost harder. I don't know why but I guess it's all a part of the process.

Cassey is coming home in about 3 wks. It's her first time home since this all happened. it will be hard for her I know cause she should be introducing Noah to Uncle Shane. Noah has such a great personna about him already Shane would have loved him! But with the help of the Lord above, we will keep on......

I just wanted to update everyone and ask you to continue to keep our family in your prayers. its been 6 mths but in someways it seems like yesterday.

6 Months

Well today is mine & Greg's 3rd anniversary. 3 yrs ago everything was normal & happy. Our lives were rolling along pretty good. Everyone in our family was healthy and happy. Britt was in college, just finished up her first year. Nate & Cassey were living in Mississippi. In the good ole USA. Shane & his family were living in my kids childhood home. It may not have been the finest home. It needed work & there was some unhappy memories there but mainly all me & the kids remember the most was the good times.

Flash forward 3 yrs. Britt just graduated college and is a staff member at Hardin Simmons University, unbelievable. Then in August she starts working on her masters. Nate& Cassey are living in Misawa, Japan (Not in the good ole USA) and they now have their first child, Noah Jeffery Shaw. Named after his Uncle Shane. And Shane is gone.....

Me & Greg are outside this afternoon. He's watering the flowers while I'm painting my toe nails and I look up at the driveway. Today is our anniversary, and Shane should be driving up. Its strange how after 6mths I still expect him to come by to see us. Then my heart kinda stops and I get that hit in the gut when once again I realize that my Son is gone.....

Yes it is easier in some ways, I can function more on a normal day to day basis. Time has helped to where I don't feel that all consuming grief. I am so thankful for my girls and their families and I give God all the glory that they have good lives. But then I think of my Son. He at times caused me some sleepless nights in his teenage years, what boy doesn't. But we all thought he would always be here. We used to joke the girls and I, I think Cassey said it first when they were fixing to move to Japan, " you will always have Shane here with you Moma", it was funny when we said it, but we all thought it was true. He was so happy to raise his kids in the house he grew up in. And I'm not saying this to begrudge the girls & their husbands for living away. Not at all. They all have a good life where they are at. Nate & Cassey are truly experiencing a wonderful time in their lives. I wouldn't change it for nothing & Thanks to cell phones & SKYPE, it's almost like she is here.

Then I think of the kids. Chloe' is so beautiful and smart. She is doing so well in school. Her daddy would be so proud of her. Counting her there are 3 children just in her classroom that has lost a parent. One little boy lost his daddy about 2 mths before Chloe'. Then there is Ashtyn & Addi. They are doing so much better than I hoped for. But it breaks my heart to have to take them to "see" their daddy at the cemetary. They do better than I do. They just go running over to his headstone and look at everything that people have left there. I look at the stone and I just can not believe that Shane is gone....

Well tomorrow is the day we hate. As I was setting out on the porch thinking of the last 3yrs. I thought this time 6 mths ago everything in our lives was normal. Then in a little over 24 hrs. everything changed! I experienced something no parent should have to with the late night pounding on the door. The the next few days & weeks is just a nightmare. Shane is gone....

I guess all in all we are hanging in there pretty good. We have an amazing family and we have all helped each other. I have an awesome husband who at times may get a little grumpy but he has handled all these changes even better than I thought possible. He is my rock along with the girls & my son*n*laws also. It's really hard though when Ashtyn says things like " when my daddy was alive" or "my daddy died" or " I have a daddy but he died". Or as Addi told me the other day " I don't like it when mommy calls me Angel, my daddy is a Angel. I don't want to be a Angel like Daddy". So then I had to tell her mommy this so she would find another term of endearment for her. Chloe' doesn't say much. When she does it's usually something funny.

So I guess thats all I have to share tonight. The eve of the 6mth mark. Have I mentioned that I hate the 3rd? If I didn't have to I wouldn't go to work tomorrow. The 3rd in retail is a bad day anyway because people get their checks and go shopping. So many people are so rude and ungrateful. I guess they haven't lost a child or a loved one close to them. Then maybe they wouldn't be so rude! When they come to me and their mad for some silly reason and I still have to help them and be friendly when my insides are screaming " Why are you so inconsiderate? You are so rude, these things don't matter, what matters is Shane is gone!!!!!

Well here it is already May! You know after you lose someone they say the first year is hard because it's full of first. Everything you do is the first time without them and this is so true. I just passed my first Mother's Day without Shane.It was hard I tell you, but I kept thinking that I was so Thankful that we never made a big deal out of it. It was hard though because I would have seen him. I am so Thankful though that this was the weekend that Britt graduated from HSU so that we had something else to think about. The picture above is the last picture we had made with me and all 3 three of my kids. This is the day that Cassey was leaving for Japan so we really didn't all have smiles but at least we have this picture together. So on Mothers Day this year I wore this same T-shirt. I thought about it a few weeks ago and dug around like a madman trying to find it and was so happy to see that I still had it! Shane has been on my mind so much lately and all these questions, you know the ones that will never be answered, WHY? I think the kids to because they keep talking about him which is good. Addi told me a couple of weeks ago, "I want my Daddy", it breaks my heart but all I can tell her is I know baby. But like Brian said at least she still remembers him. That is what bother's me so much is to think the kids won't remember him when they get older but Greg said they will because he was so involved in their lives. He was a hands on Daddy. Chloe's Moma told me she had a hard night a couple of evenings ago. I hate this part of it. Those kinds of things are the most hard on her because she is the oldest she remembers more, but I know in the years to come this will be a good thing because her memories will clearer to her because she is the oldest.

Next month is 6mths! I cannot believe that time has gone so fast but then it seems like yesterday! Some days it hits me square in the very depths of my heart, in the very soul of me and the pain is almost as strong as the first day! I know i still haven't totally excepted it yet but I guess in time I will. Next month will be his 30 birthday, I don't know how that will be but I will make it I know God is giving me the strength to keep on going. That is the only way I have been able to get this far is through the strength He gives me.

Well its time to stop rambling on, just a few of my thoughts. Its a good thing I can't type very well or these little excerpts would probably be longer.

Please continue to pray for us and especially Shane's children

It's Hard but Life is Rolling on Along....

Wow, this Thursday, March 25,2010 it will be 16wks. Amazing 16 wks since I lost my Son. It is still so very hard for me to say that he is dead. It is like a shock to my system. It still is not real. There are some days that I miss him so much that I literally feel my heart aching. Before this I never even knew it was possible to feel that emotion but it is. 16 wks ago I would never have thought I could make it another day but I can, do I feel guilty about that, YES I do but the saying that time makes it easier is true it does. Does it go away? NO!! It is especially hard with the kids. I think it is never to far from their minds. Addi (the youngest, who is 3) told me the other day, " don't be dead like Daddy & be a angel stay with us, okay?" Of course I said ok, but I didn't promise. She ask me this out of the blue, I think I was putting on her jacket on when she said this. Or one day in the car I made the mistake of saying that how wrecks happen when this car pulled out & Ashtyn said " I don't want to be in a wreck & die like daddy & be a angel. There is not much to say when they say stuff like this. But we just carry on. Sometimes they are so funny or so sweet & Chloe' is such a good big sister and so much help with them if we are out & don't have Taw~taw with us which is not very often but she is good about helping me hold hands and such. I look at them & remember how much Shane loves them and I don't understand & I guess this is something I will NEVER understand.

I just wanted to say to when I mentioned Taw~taw before. He is an amazing man he really is. He truly loves these children so much & gives so much of his self for them. I didn't think I would ever see the day when he would go to McDonalds on his on, haha, but he does for them. We didn't think that at this point in our lives with Britt married that we would be helping to raise 3 young children, but we are. We have to do what Shane would want us to do. He would want us to be involved in their lives. So we try to be there for the kids, to help their Mommy's any way can. And their Mommy's have been so good to us, in letting us be included in the kids day to day lives. I know it's not the same as their daddy but we do what we can. So I say thank you to my husband for giving so much of his self for our GRANDchildren.

And speaking of GRANDchildren, we have number 4 coming any day now. We are all so excited because Nate & Cassey will be calling us anytime now to tell us that Noah Jeffery Shaw has made his GRAND appearance! Our family is so excited. I can't wait to meet him. This time next Sunday I will be on a plane headed that way. They are going to be such great parents, this I know because not only because she is my daughter but because of the people they are. I think Nate will be the strict one because thats how Nate is, but that will be okay. He is a good man & fair, he is a good husband to my daughter and he will be a good Daddy to my GRANDson. This will be kind of bittersweet for our family because we are so used to sharing everything with each other and Shane won't be here, but I believe he will be watching. He was so happy that Cassey was having a boy and Ashtyn would have another boy in the family, not forgetting Rylan of course.

I had a dream about Shane last night. I do not remember anything about it except he evidently was happy because I remember him smiling so I take that as a good sign.

Well once again I proved that I accurately named this blog Rambling's of Moma because when I write on here I ramble on & on. But I just wanted everyone to know that though we are hurting....alot, that we are making it. I myself have had some really hard times as I know the girls have, alot of the pain & suffering has been done silently within ourselves and people may not even realize how we are suffering as we go through our day to day lives but this is how we deal with it. And thats okay. We will make it. With the Lord on our side we can't miss and we have each other even though we are all spread out we still know we have each other and love each other, not only Greg & I and the girls and son~n~laws but also our whole family.

With that I will stop & tell you that the next time I write on here I will probably be in Japan and have a new GRANDson or already back home.